D and Me

Change of Seasons

2007-12-21T14:01:00.000Z

I was making some pictures of the marvelous white icy trees outside our home window, a present of the Christmasy weather we have been enjoying in the Hague. And then I realized I have some more pictures made earlier this year of the exact same trees. Isn't nature amazing?

it's not funny

2007-12-08T22:14:00.000Z

... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, beep ... 16.7 ... deep sigh ... "well at least it's stable" I hear my boyfriend saying picking over my shoulder, an attempt for a joke I guess.

Yap, it's stable all right, 15's and 16's for almost a week no matter how much insulin I force down that tiny tube attached to my stomach. It seems to go nowhere. Goodbye my A1c of 7.5 ...

Friday at work passed in a daze with awful feeling of nausea and desperate wish for a bed (any surface, be it my desk or carpeted floor, looked damn tempting). "What the ... ?!" comes to mind more often than I can wish for. I started doubting my meters, all 3 of them, but gave up that thought immediately, as my body gave me that "I'm dying here" feeling very clearly.

Honestly, I'm not even looking for a reason this time, just waiting for it to pass. It's annoying and tiring but ...

Lows and rainbows

2007-11-26T14:26:00.000Z

" ... and the award for the best low treatment goes to ... Please welcome the brightest, the fastest, the tastiest and simply the best - Skittles!!!" (applause growing into a standing ovation)

I found THE best (for me) treatment for lows! It answers all my criteria to reach the top of the list of remedies for hypoglycemia:

1. It acts fast!

2. That tiny package, which is point #3, contains almost exactly 15 carbohydrates, which is the amount I usually use to treat a low. So I don't have to measure with the shaking hands how much juice goes into a glass or figure out how many carbohydrates are in a cup of coffee with sugar - my usual treatment for the low at work. And what do I do when the fridge or the coffee machine are nowhere near? That brings me to criteria #3.

3. The package is so tiny, it fits perfectly in any pocket (so excellent to have with me during a walk in the park where I always go low) and almost gets lost in my purse, or even two or three for long days.

4. It tastes good and I don't have to force myself to swallow. Ironically the only time when I must eat (or drink) for my life, nothing goes down my throat. It's an opposite effect really, but I'll spare you the colorful details. But these little colorful life savers go down smoothly and don't make me feel afterwards like I've just ate an elephant.

Besides the obvious reasons, I'm always scared and resentful of lows because of the fact that is so damn difficult to make myself eat or drink something and not feel dreadful afterwards. But not anymore!!!! Thanks to the wonderful little rainbow wonders!

I do realize I've dedicated a whole post to a low treatment, not mentioning a free advertisement for the Skittles, but it is an important topic, at least in my diabetic world.

What are your favourite treatments?

So funny!!!

2007-11-24T13:49:00.000Z

This link below is to the most hilarious video with kittens I've seen in years!!! Watch it, you won't regret it!

Посмотреть ролик <--- the link (in case Russian is confusing :) )

The author of the video is Tatyana, the owner of GREGORI al GATO, where we've got our cutie pie.

Totally random

2007-11-22T18:07:00.000Z

I have been tagged. I'm guessing randomly as it's a "7 random things about me" meme. Thank you Amber. So here are my seven randoms:

Random #1:
I'm not a random person at all. Nothing that I do is random, although things do happen to me randomly. And 7 is my favourite number.

Random #2:
When I was a kid I wanted to work for Disney as a cartoonist or to be an archeologist. I'm a project buyer now, so go figure.

Random #3:
I microwave ice cream.

Random #4:
Friday 13th is a very lucky day for me.

Random #5:
I still want to work for Disney.

Random #6:
Through my life I lived in 4 different countries and visited over 15 different countries.

Random #7:
I was born on 17th, my first blood glucose test result was 17 and next May it's going to be 17 years of me living with diabetes.

I tag anyone who has 7 random things to share.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

Enjoy!

My cat's crazy love for water

2007-11-01T15:57:00.000Z

First thing my cat does when I come home is running to the kitchen sink indicating he wants me to open the water. He's nuts about it. He drinks, he plays, he washes his paws, he puts his head under, he splashes and catches, he bites the water or he tries ... and so on and so on until he is totally wet and I have to dry him with a towel.

A walk in the park

2007-10-16T14:02:00.000Z

Has it been a month already?

2007-10-02T14:02:00.000Z

Oh boy, oh boy!!! I promise myself every day, correction: almost every day, I'm going to write something here and then ... no I don't find something more interesting to do, but that tricky feeling of laziness finds me and I leave it till next day again or better till Monday. FYI: I still read all my favourite blogs. You know who you are. If you don't, please feel free to march straight to the comments section and demand an explanation from me on how come you missed that memo.

Oh dear heavens, it's been buuuusy lately!!! A trip to France, new job, building up hours at work, still figuring out the pump (most of the time it's figuring out how to make it cooperate with the outfit I'm wearing, similar to Kerri's dilemma, which indeed usually ends with changing into something else), juggling numerous friends staying over on weekends, congratulating other numerous friends with their new borns, and reading the last Harry Potter book, boy that book sucks!

Dear HP friends, please don't be offended, I'm a big fan myself but I can't help it, I tried and I tried and I tried some more but I can't make myself like the last book. I'm sorry but if I had a kid under 12, no actually, make it under 32, which would make me a mum with a kid that is older than I am, but anyway, I wouldn't let him/her read it. It's full of violence and anger and violence. I can imagine the author wanted to make the last book phenomenal, but I think she overdid it. At some points it's way too much and on the other hand, sometimes it's plain boring. Sorry to outburst about a HP book, I was just so disappointed. I even switched to a different book in the middle of reading for some positiveness, because I was feeling like HP was putting me into depression.

Did I mention a new job? Ya, I did. Well I didn't switch companies, just switched jobs within the company. I like the company after all more than I thought I did. Although I have been looking for a job somewhere else but that search is stopped now, as I love my new position!!! Now I'm undergoing lots of trainings and my head is exploding from all the new information but I love it. Sorry can't tell you much about it, all the confidentiality agreements, you know. And no, I don't work for FBI.

Hold on a sec, quick bg check. ....... 4.8 , hmmm ... sensing time for a snack approaching.

So about the trip to France. I have turned 25 a couple of weeks ago, yap, big and round 25. Everyone is talking about a quarter of the life, I don't know, feels more like a half. But anyway, somehow I wanted to celebrate it big and fun and away just me and my boyfriend. We didn't had vacation together this summer so a long weekend together sounded very good to both of us. It has been quite busy and stressful lately with all kind of staff and we wanted something fun and far from every day reality. So first to thought came France waltsing in pretty glamorous lights. I mean you think France, you think Paris, you think romantic, right? Plus France for us is perfect, far from home and at the same time not far to drive (5 hours). Perfect! Then I thought why not add to it a bit of fun and go to Disneyland and voila, we have our perfect relaxing romantic fun detoxing weekend.

We had such a great time! It was amazing! All that time together and in the perfect location for celebrating birthdays. Mmmm ... :) We didn't want to leave. Just look at our happy faces ...

Oh and I tried on every hat and ears they were selling in Disney shops, and cuddle almost every toy, so much fun!!! I'm such a child

So wonderful trip, new exciting job, terrific boyfriend, I love you honey! So far I like the start of my second quarter, of the year number 26.

There are two sides to everything

2007-08-14T12:25:00.000Z

Was it really a month? A month or a little over a month since I've written here? Oh well, time flies, especially if it's summer time. Lots have happened over such a short period of time that I found it difficult to choose the subject to write about and was postponing my comeback to the blog world :)

From the pleasant days of last month:

My sister came to visit and we spent a wonderful week together in the Hague and another even more marvelous week in Spain enjoying the sun and the sea. almost purring from pleasure spending whole time on the beach. Doing nothing but swimming, laying on the beach, reading, walking, eating, drinking sangria and basically relaxing reflected extremely good on my sugars. For the whole trip my insulin daily totals decreased by at least 40%! I felt terrific! Vacation - goooood!!!

I had a couple of my first funny pump related encounters at the airports. In Schiphol at the customs:

-"Could you please remove your cell phone from your jeans pocket?"

-"Sorry, I can't. It's not a cell phone, it's a direct line with my pancreas, it must stay open at all times."

At the Palma airport in Spain after beeping at the metal detector.

-"Could you please step over here?" a guy with a hand metal detecting thingy ready to make an extra check and then spotting a clip on my jeans pocket reading "Medtronic MiniMed" (I wear my pump inside the pocket so only the clip is visible). The guard's next question:

-"Diabetica?" Me:

-"Yes" The guard gesturing me to go further without checking me:

-"You can go."

I was a bit surprised at such a knowledgeable reaction after countless times explaining to many people that what I have clipped to my pocket is not a mobile or an mp3.

I'm learning more and more about the pump and it's going really good with it. I love my little blue gadget more and more every day. I've just started to get to know the amazing bolus wizard and there's still some negotiations needed in order to convince it to cooperate but apparently life can be so much easier.

From the not so pleasant days of last month:

My vision suddenly decreased enormously without any obvious reason. One day I just started to see less and less and at some point wasn't even able to read anything from anywhere unless the letters were the size of the billboards' ones.

I've had the retinopathy for the last 2 years already (I totally don't believe those people who say they have diabetes for over 30 years and no complications; they should recheck if they have diabetes in the first place). But so far it was not major and some laser treatment twice a year was doing the trick.

But apparently besides the diabetes I have some other factors effecting my vision (I'm not going to bore you with medical details), which in combination with the diabetes make a deadly serious partnership making me see only 20% with my left eye and 40% with my right eye, which is 50% in total against all the mathematical laws.

That would be half the tragedy for a person without diabetes as there is a surgery available for such a condition, which might help to improve the vision by about 30% but, and of course there is a but, the surgery is not allowed for people with diabetes on account that there is a chance of complete blindness. Is this nightmare ever going to end?

I can't help but think if I'm only 25 now, what's going to be when I'm 35? 45? 55? am I even going to live till then?

Sorry to be coming back with rather negative thoughts, although they are not negative at all, it's only human to be scared, right?

Happy pumping

2007-06-30T09:25:00.000Z

I've been on the pump for almost 3 weeks now. I'm loving it! Where have I been before? Oh, ya, right, I was fighting my doctors to allow me to go on the pump, which took 7 months. But nevertheless, I'm on, I'm happy, I never felt more free with diabetes in my life.

My sugars calmed down and my insulin intake decreased dramatically. When I just started a reservoir of 1.8 (MiniMed Paradigm 522) lasted me only a couple of days, now I can go on it for four full days, in my diabetes experience that's impressive. It all goes so easily, the set changes, the boluses. I'm still figuring out the clothing part in terms of where to attach the pump and at least hide the tubing. I gave up on hiding the pump itself, it just doesn't work, so I wear it proudly clipped to my jeans pocket most of the time. But if I can still manage to wear this
without my pump crushing any lines or the color theme, I'm happy!

However, there was one thing that was of a big surprise and confusion. One of the reasons for me to switch to the pump was my so annoying dawn syndrome. So I was all prepared and ready to set an extra heavy basal rate for the night time, instead I found out that even the day time rate was too much. My dawn syndrome turned into waking-up-low-every-morning syndrome. I wake up with the sugar of 3 (54)! How did that happen? Have any of you experienced anything similar? I'm guessing Lantus really didn't do much for me.

I lowered my night basal yesterday but still woke up low this morning, so I'm going to lower it even more, we'll see. It's a good feeling though to realize that I need less insulin instead of more.

In the other, non-diabetic, news it's summer time! and my sister, whom I love to pieces, is coming next week to start her summer holidays with me! Yey!!! She just finished her first year at university and is a bit of a greenish color according to my mom, and I've been struggling with my health for almost the whole year, so we are both in desperate need of a good vacation. We'll stay in the Hague for a week and then will go somewhere really warm and do nothing but lay on the beach and drink cocktails the whole day long :) and lots of girl talk of course. I can't wait!

And my dear kitten received so many compliments lately that I thought I'd post another picture of this cute face over here :)

Off the CGM but being groovy :)

2007-06-23T14:54:00.000Z

And I'm off the CGM. Why? I'm afraid to disappoint you Scott but instead of helping me it was confusing me like crazy. I asked many people for advice and I heard from people who are using it more than once that it's all more about the patterns rather than exact numbers, but still somehow my CGM wasn't even catching the patterns correctly most of the time. I just found myself not trusting it even when it was right. And the funny thing I was actually testing more often with the CGM than without it.

So after careful consideration I took it off this morning, and I have to say, I don't miss it AT ALL. Surprise, surprise. Me who was so eager to test it out gave up on the fourth day of trial. May be I'll try it again in the near future but right now I feel tired just from using it. It was nice to see a graph like this one for instance, but, oh my God, was it a big fat lie! ok, not always but most of the time.

And the patterns, well yes sometimes they do indicate the true situation, but I had times when it said I was going high when in reality I was going low. So as I said, I had difficulties trusting that thing.

On the more positive and fun note, I got totally jealous of Caro (wait, it'll get positive, I promise) of her groovy site look that I ordered some groovy patches as well. I'm loving them!

Tet-a-tet with CGM

2007-06-22T06:27:00.000Z

Had 3 lows over the past 10 hours, THREE. over the past TEN hours. Needless to say I'm falling from exhaustion. Oh, and did I mention I'm using an CGM sensor for the last two days that suppose to alarm me if I go high or low? Well, it did, yah, when I was already 2.5 (45) and treating the low.

- "Beeep" reads: "I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but your blood glucose is low", just kidding, "LOW 4.9 (88)"
- "You don't say. Thank you very much, but I'm 2.5 (45) actualy and I've already taken my juice like 10 minutes ago. Where have YOU been?".

In 15 minutes:
- "Beeep" "LOW 4.6 (82)".
- "Well, you know I am indeed 4.6 (82), but that's actually good, that means my sugars are climbing up, the juice is working."

In 10 minutes:
- "Beeep" "LOW 4.8 (86)"
- "Well, just @#$%, will you!"
- "I'll try my best" - just kidding again.

Weekend

2007-06-16T18:04:00.000Z

So after changing 3 bad sites in less than 24 hours it became clear that silhouette sets, which my diabetic nurse made me swear I'm going to use, don't cut it for me. After burning pains, bleeding, and sugars of 15 setting their roots what seemed permanently in my daily life I tried the quick set and bam! sugars are back to the 6-land, my stomach doesn't feel like there were hot nails planted into it and I don't want to torn violently the sets out of my body. Those silhouette sets really sucked for me and spoiled the first days of experience with the pump. But now it works perfectly, clean site feeling as it belongs there naturally.

Besides fighting bad sites in the weekend we also had my boyfriend's parents over for a couple of days. We talked a lot, we drove a lot, we saw a lot and I have to admit drank some bit a lot as well. We've been to a very pretty Delft but forgot a camera, been to the SeaLife in Scheveningen, saw Dorry there from "Finding Nemo" and some other awesome sea creatures that made me yet again admire the big artist called nature.

Our own creature back at home was glued to the bed the whole weekend.

And I'm on

2007-06-11T08:04:00.000Z

It's official - I'm on the pump. For almost two hours now. Does it feel weird? Not as much as I thought it would. It feels quite comfortable actually once I figured out how to calm down the wild tubing jumping all over the place and how to fix the pump on my clothes so it doesn't push into my side while sitting. But that was the easy part I'm guessing.

I was quite nervous today about the whole thing. It somehow just dawned on me only this morning what a big change it's going to be after 15 years of using the pens. It's such a breaking point in my diabetes history. There have been lots of "last ones" and "first ones" yesterday and today, and there are still so many more "first ones" coming. My first bolus still awaits me. I'm pretty sure I'm going to search for the NovoRapid pen after each meal for a couple of days. The most important is to remove my Lantus pen from my bedstand draw because I might take a shot tomorrow morning just out of habit.

Back to the sanity

2007-06-08T10:30:00.000Z

If I urged anyone by the previous post to reach for the phone and call the mental house, you can postpone the restraining jacket just for now, I'm much better now :) Needed to let some steam out. Now can breathe again, though not really, it's very warm outside and no air movement.

I have not seen my sugars today lower than 14, yes fourteen! taking more and more insulin with every hour, hardly ate any carbs today but the stubborn meter shows the same numbers and my throat desperately demanding water all the time.

It's only TWO days left till the pump!!! How happy am I? I don't expect miracles but it definitely can't get any worse. Oh, no more shots on almost every 2 hours basis (yes, it's been that bad for me lately), no more alarm at 3 at night for testing and taking insulin, no more trips to the ladies' at work for injections, no more "can anyone remember if I took my Lantus?", just no more.

Though there will be: oh dear summer clothes, where can I stick my pump on you? how the hell don't I get suffocated by all the tubing at night? what do I tell people when I suddenly start beeping or vibrating or have to reach under my skirt or in my bra? how not to kill the romance with the whole scene of equipment sticking out and hanging on me? does the color of the shoes suppose to match the color of the pump? - ok, that one is a joke but I'm totally serious about all the previous questions.

Oh and this I totally stole from Allison:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Are my eyes open because I don't see much. When eyes open: ha, not so bad.

2. How much cash do you have on you? ehm, no idea, some, enough for lunch and parking.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? Something dirty came to mind and not entirely appropriate, so I'll go with floor.

4. Favorite planet? Well, Earth, I live here, it's pretty cool.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Unknown. That unknown has been calling for the whole day like 20 times in total, and whenever I pick up, he or she just hangs up.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Changes all the time. Currently I have a song by Ashley Simpson "L.O.V.E."

7. What shirt are you wearing? It's a cute black summer top.

8. Do you label yourself? No.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing: Zara. ok, don't laugh, I usually have more expensive shoes on my feet, but these particular ones are so cute and comfortable. They're summer shoes, checked of black, beige and a bit golden colors with two cute black ribbons.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright, full of sunshine.

11. Why is there always a missing question? Why is there always a missing answer?

12. What does your watch look like? It's a black, round, rather big one from Guess with lots of bling-bling all around.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching the first dream.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "Ha, ha! See you soon. Love you! xxx"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I don't think they exist in the Netherlands, so I'm guessing the nearest is going to be in England.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? For instance - that's two, but I say that a lot, people even make fun of it.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My boyfriend this morning before leaving for work.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Sema, my cat, the furriest :)

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Let's see, insulin obviously and some stuff for the killing headache.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? who develops film?

21. Favorite age you have been so far? from 4 (earliest I can remember) till 9 (at 9 I got diagnosed) and from 20 up till now has been almost perfect with the huge exception of 22 - confusing?

22. Your worst enemy? Myself

23. What is your current desktop picture? A funny one of me and my cat.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Stop putting your tail in my coke." to my cat, who did you think?

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be? Million, I'm afraid of heights.

26. Do you like someone? Many people. As a particular someone? Yes, my boyfriend, which is lucky considering that he and I live together ;)

27. The last song you listened to? One by Glukoza

28. What time of day were you born? Somewhere around 11pm on Friday may I add.

29. What's your favorite number? 7, also 17 as it is a lucky one for me.

30. Where did you live in 1987? I was 5, so a safe answer would be with my parents :) in Surgut, that's in Siberia in Russia.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? Healthy people.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? I wish not but I know for sure some are.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Just started university, one of the first days after classes, all of us saw the terrible news on one of the TVs in the hall of the uni.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Give them some more - pathetic, I know.

35. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes I do.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Never wanted one, so can't tell.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Dutch would be nice, as I live in the Netherlands, also French and German, they are just convenient to know for work.

38. Would you move for the person you loved? I did, although I rather stayed than moved, and he did as well, so it was a compromise, but yes I would.

39. Are you touchy-feely? Only with my boyfriend for the rest quite opposite. Shocks me every time when a stranger touches my arm or my back.

40. What's your life motto? Live. And I mean live and not exist, live as being happy, learning, enjoying, feeling, experiencing, finding one self. For the rest: "everything is possible if you really want something", "be true to yourself" and "find what you want, otherwise you're forced to like what you don't want".

41. Name three things you have on you at all times: At all times is not possible, but most of the times on me - clothes, my rings and earrings, with me - insulin, meter and phone.

42. What's your favorite town/city? I love Moscow, Paris, Prague and of course The Hague, as I live here.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? My lunch at work.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Oh my, years and years ago, back in high school I think to my best friend who moved to England for studying.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? Oil, no, putting petrol in is as far as I go.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? He's at work, very busy, going to be home around 7. I never loved before my current boyfriend appeared in the picture, as for the crushes, back at high school, the only thing I know is that he turned into a very nasty person over the years.

47. How far back do you know your ancestry? Not far, not further than great-great-grandmothers.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? Probably last New Year's. It's a family tradition always to dress fancy for the new years. A skirt with roses pattern and a black top, I also had a matching jacket for the skirt but it was too warm. But than again I dress quite fancy for work on a daily basis, same skirts and dresses.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? One of my feet, I have been sitting on it for the last hour.

50. Have you ever been burned by love? Who hasn't?

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? I'm not gonna tell :)

52. Where would you like to live? Same place as I live now, but I'd love my family to live a bit closer.

One steaming cup of brain tea?

2007-06-04T10:52:00.000Z

Have you ever got a feeling of a desperate need of being someone else for a while? To be a complete different person, with a totally different appearance and different perception of life? I have a sort of crazy feeling like this at the moment. I have this awful itching craving to get out of my own skin; my body has not been kind to me lately and I just so want to feel what it's like to be inside a healthy one. You know what they say: "healthy spirit in a healthy body". I think it's starting to get too much on my spirits. Or may be it's the other way around, my mind got polluted and it's effecting my body?

Either way I feel like I'm going crazy and don't recognize myself anymore. May be that's where the need to get out is coming from. The constant wish to run. I feel rather like screaming or hiding, or both at the same time. I don't know what's going on but one thing is definite - I don't like it. Am I having some kind of middle life crisis? Is it what a menopause feels like? Are these the symptoms of a splitting personality? Ok, first two are a bit a stretch considering I'm only 24 but the last one might be an option.

I'm pulled and pushed in so many directions, but none of them does even come close to matching the point on the life map that reads "Me". I am having a middle life crisis, but than again with having diabetes may be 24 is the middle of life - sorry, dark humor, I'm not in the sunniest of moods.

Sorry, I didn't mean to burst out like this, especially when I'm not sure what I'm bursting out about. Am I angry? am I tired? am I fed up? but than with what? I'm too exhausted to figure it out. That's the thing - I don't want to think anymore about anything, as thoughts are driving me crazy, they're making my brains boil.

Home sweet home!

2007-06-02T10:05:00.000Z

We have officially moved! As a virgin owner of a home I have to say it's overwhelming and one of the best feelings. For the last week (has it been a week already?) I have been reluctant to move further than couple of meters from the apartment, I have a separation anxiety and still enjoying and absorbing every little detail about it. Home sweet home.

Of course it's still in progress and I have strong suspicions it will remain this way for the rest of the year. We're still waiting for some furniture to arrive, which is the reason why I'm cramped on the floor right now with a laptop and can't feel one of my feet. There are still empty spaces, boxes yet to be unpacked, missing lights and stuff like laundry baskets or our names on the door, but despite all that, it's amazing and I'm so so happy we finally moved!

In the other exciting news - I finally convinced my doctors or there was a full moon last week or something in the water, whatever is the reason I'm now officially cleared for starting on the pump. Oh my, did that take energy to arrange! So the historical date - June 11, which is probably going to be marked in my calendar from now on as a significant day of achievement by my stubbornness. So it's really going to happen now. I already ordered all the supplies, my diabetic nurse insists I use silhuete sets and not the quick sets, which I would prefer, but at this point I don't care, just plug me in, please!

Lost in one of the boxes

2007-05-19T14:39:00.000Z

It's finally here! Well actually they are finally here! Both a pump AND a sensor!!! Big grin on my face :) I've already lost hope but got the sensor after all. Don't ask me how, it took looots of effort and time. But it is here! Even though it's a bulky old version and not a new cool tiny equivalent, I'm very very happy nonetheless :)

The only question remaining ... Didn't you see a "but" coming? Well, the only question is how to convince my doctor to let me switch to the pump. Can you imagine I actually have to convince them?

They were already convinced but now ... The whole reason for me to switch to the pump is to finally get the grip on my nasty so called "dawn syndrome", which has been driving me nuts for several months now. It's that simple. I tried everything with pens and Lantus, it just doesn't work. But. And it's a big "but". Doctors, those .... doctors are not convinced that that's the only thing that messes my sugars. And why? Just because my iron is on a low side does not mean I'm bleeding internally for the last six months and haven't noticed. They think I am.

So they want to do loooots of investigations to find out where exactly. Cool. Good luck with that. Wait, the funny part is the investigations are, of course, scheduled over the next half a year at least. Don't they think I'll bleed to death by that time? that of course if I'm bleeding in the first place. Well, I'm a bit frustrated about the whole situation. It seems like they don't want to solve the immediate problem of my high sugars but invent things that are not even there. Oh and by the way, my iron has been low since I was a child.

I know I owe everyone a post about the new home and the moving and all, in case anyone is curious, but that will have to come later on. There are still boxes moving and furniture being lifted up. I promise a full update sometime soon. And thank you all who left their congratulations in the comments of the previous post!

Happy, happy, happy!!!

2007-04-24T13:38:00.000Z

Yap, that's the word together with amazing, thrilling and exciting, that describes the day we had yesterday. Drums please. Ok, are you ready? because I'm still in the stage of having troubles with believing it - my boyfriend and I, we bought a house!!! an apartment actually, an extremely nice apartment in the best neighborhood of the city with lots of space and light (windows everywhere almost from the floor to the ceiling), even with a working fireplace!!! Can you tell I'm hyper-excited? Oh, it's so pretty and perfect! We signed all the papers and got the keys yesterday. We can't wait to move. Luckily there is not much to do, the apartment is in a terrific condition. It’s such a wonderful amazing feeling to be an owner of a home after more than seven years of renting and traveling from one country to another.

Photo blog

2007-04-19T15:35:00.000Z

As I mentioned in my previous blog my mom came to visit for a week. We got so lucky with the weather, the whole week was really warm and sunny and NO rain. There's probably just one such week in a whole year and we caught it! So we took advantage of such a miracle and went to whole lot of cool places around the Netherlands and even Belgium. (Chrissie, I loved it there, especially the architecture and amazing shops!)

We visited Antwerpen.

Me and Klaas, my honey.

Me and my mom

We went to Keukenhof full of colors and the most amazing tulips and flower carpets.

We even have been to the beach it was so warm (by the way it's not us on the sun beds, it was warm but not that warm).

Enjoyed the park ...

... and many more. We enjoyed it a lot! Everything looks prettier in the bright spring sun :)

That little plastic blue monster that suppose to save my life on a daily basis

2007-04-03T06:15:00.000Z

Oh, where do I even start? Life is rushing despite of all my doctors' strict prescriptions of slowing down, apparently, according to them, my diabetes can't catch up with me and that is why it has been behaving so out-of-hand badly. I've spent almost the whole March at home, again according to my doctor's advice, and yesterday was my first day back to work, although I'm starting part-time and boy do I love it. Yesterday was also another milestone - I finally told people in the office about my diabetes (well I had to explain why I went missing for a month). It wasn't that big a deal at all.

Next Monday my mom is coming to visit for a week!!! Yey!!! I'm so excited, I can't wait to show her everything around here, she hasn't been to The Hague since we moved here. I think she'll like it here. God knows I love this city, not all parts though.

About two weeks ago, my diabetes nurse put me on a Minimed sensor to see if there is a pattern in my overall horrible blood glucose results. And what do you know, there is. I knew it before, I keep very detailed recordings of everyday blood sugars and insulin and food consumption, but it was nice to be proven right by a machine. And the pattern is ... apparently from about 4 a.m. and on my blood sugar rises with the speed of sound without me doing nothing but sleeping. It could go from 6 up till 20 in a matter of couple of hours, well and you can imagine waking up with such a number how the day starts and how difficult to bring it back without diving into a low. So that was my daily roller-coaster ride for over 3 months now.

The only solution in sight was and is a pump, which was ordered last week and now in about 4 to 8 weeks I'll finally catch up with the rest of the world in terms of actually using the benefits of technology developments. I'm very much pro-pump, don't get me wrong, but I still have no clue how is it going to work with my daily clothes, as they're pretty tight with no pockets or bulky parts to hide the pump (believe I had a week practice with the sensor even though it's a little bit bigger), and yes, yes, I know, I can wear it with the pride outside my clothes, but seriously, how do you think a bright blue medical equipment would look on an elegant work suit? Girls out there, please help if you have any wisdom and advice to share on the issue. And I've chosen the perfect time of the year to go on a pump with the summer approaching.

On the other news, I got a new hair-cut, which I'm pretty happy with.

And our baby-kitten is growing into a handsome cat.

I smell smoke

2007-03-16T09:02:00.000Z

Oh my! I was trying to get on blogger for a week, the posting thing didn't work. There's been quite a lot happening lately, where do I even start?

I have been having so far-out-of-the-normal blood glucose results lately, mostly highs, so high that I need binoculars to see them, and by lately I mean 3 months easy, I can't remember anymore what it's like to be in a normal range and don't feel like total crap all of the time. I've been so exhausted physically and mentally that taking a shower in the morning pretty much exceeds all my energy for the whole day. All is the result of a little bugging phenomena that tends to accumulate and grow in a huge snow ball called stress, none of the doctors I've seen can find any other reason for me feeling like I died yesterday but was not sent the memo. They are all bombarding me with "you have to relax", "take it easy", "rest", "think less" and so on - I'd gladly follow all the advice if only it was that easy.

Well, for the start I'm taking time from work and just trying to rest. A week at home is already helping - almost no headaches and bg slowly climbing down. Apparently, as a diabetic psychiatrist has told me (yes, I'm even seeing one of those now), I'm rushing to live (well can you blame me for that?) and rushing through life to fast for my diabetes to catch up. When I told my endo that I feel like my diabetes is screaming at me to slow down and give some attention to myself, his reaction was "well, someone should". So I'm taking rest, I'm paying attention to myself, I've hit the breaks and now have to learn to relax and think less, huh! good luck with that. When I told my boyfriend the doctor officially announced I'm having a burn-out, he laughed, well I'm still laughing myself, through tears. I'm only 24 for God's sake!

P.S. - my new endo is absolutely great!

Right to the last word ...

2007-03-10T13:42:00.000Z

I got the idea from Allison. It's truly scary how picking one out of nine images can give such an accurate description of you.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are wise, insightful, and brilliant.
Your wit is sharp and occasionally hurtful...
Revealing your scorn for people with less intelligence.

Underneath it all, you feel burdened by the stupidity of humanity.
You know what's right in the world, but it's overshadowed by everything that's wrong.
People see you as arrogant. While this is partially true, you are also very sensitive.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Could be worse

2007-03-06T10:06:00.000Z

I was in the range of 13 the whole day yesterday. My b.g. was just in love with that number and refused to move from it more than a point either way. But, of course, just before falling asleep I felt a bit funny, a very little tiny bit (I learned to listen to my body extra carefully over the last month with all the outrageous jumps and falls). I tested just an hour before bed 10.5 – a more than definite secure number before bed to avoid a low at night. It couldn’t have gone too much up but ok, just to calm myself down, a quick test.

Lights on. Sit up. Take the test kit. The cat is awake and checking if I’m testing correctly. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, beep – huh? 3.4 – how did that happen? And a low?

- “How much is it?”
- “3.4”
- “?”
- “But I’ve already brushed my teeth! Grrr …”
- “So what’s now? You have to eat something?”
- “But I don’t want to eat. (another grump)”
- “But you have to. Take some glucose tablets; they are in the bedside table’s draw.”
- “They make me nauseous … I can have juice”

With a big sigh got out of bed, cat following. A trip to the kitchen. Starting to feel the low. Glass. Fridge. Cranberry juice (tastes awful in a combination with “Aquafresh” aftertaste still in my mouth). Sigh. Kitchen lights off. Back to the bedroom, cat running after me (he checks every step I take).

Back in bed I’m greeted by a big hug and a deep sigh (not mine this time).

- “It’s not fair! Now I feel sick and blown up and my heart is racing.”
- “I know. It could be worse.”
- “It could be better.”
- “I know (sigh).”
- “It’s going to be high in the morning.”
- (hug tightened)

Well, it could have been worse. I could have fallen asleep without realizing something was wrong, and then wake up (hopefully) with a much lower number. I’m such a complainer when I’m low.

Seven is actually my favourite number

2007-03-05T11:09:00.000Z

I am out at the moment of things to write or news to report, so here it goes, a meme, a first one for me.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Be happy (in the middle of that project :) )
2. Write and publish a book (if I ever settle on a subject; there are bits and pieces laying all over the house)
3. Read at least another 1,000 books (I have a huge wish list but what I should actually wish for is time to read them all)
4. Get a dream job (Oh, boy, isn't that a big one)
5. Have a child (or two, depends ... )
6. Travel to Singapore, New Zealand, Japan ... the list goes on and on ...
7. Achieve something in life so I can die peacefully knowing I didn't waste it

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Be one of many in the crowd
2. Live in utopia
3. Pretend
4. Sit still
5. Do nothing
6. Sing
7. Don't care

Seven Things That Attract Me To People In General:
1. Confidence
2. Honesty
3. Good sense of humor
4. Intelligence
5. Loyalty
6. Strengths (mental)
7. Determination

Seven Things I Say:
1. "Honey ... "
2. "Exactly"
3. "I love you"
4. "How many carbs is in that?"
5. "Actually"
6. "I need insulin"
7. "I'm tired" - sadly it's been one of the most used phrases lately

Seven Books That I Love (seriously? just seven?):
1. Almost every book by Haruki Murakami (he's simply a genius; if you can read between the lines, you'll discover 10 books in one at lest)
2. "Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov (every book of his is a masterpiece, but this one I love the most)
3. All by Capote
4. "Love Story" by Segal (makes me laugh and cry every time)
5. "Three Comrades" by Remarque (also "Arch of Triumph" and "Heaven Has No Favourites")
6. "The Forsyte Saga" by Galsworthy
7. "Fingersmith" by Sarah Waters

Seven Movies That I Love (again, seriously? just seven?):
1. "Frida" (she's on my list of most fascinating people dead or alive and the movie is made so nicely)
2. "You Got Mail" (a very feel-good movie)
3. "Love Actually" (one of my most favourite pick-me-up movies)
4. "Holiday" (another Christmassy-feel-good movie)
5. "Bobby" (a really good movie touching many topics of human nature - I like movies that make me think for days)
6. "Babel" (another good movie about human nature and to what an extreme loneliness can push a person)
7. All Harry Potter movies (a child in me)

Seven People To Tag (in no particular order):
Anyone who wants to make "sevens" of things :)

2007-02-28T13:45:00.000Z

I think I’ve got it. Despite a low at night it's been 7.3 and 7.4 and 5.9 and so on yesterday. But now as it always happens after a long period in the no-clue-land-of-extreme-blood-glucose-numbers, when I’m finally back to the sunny side of one digit numbers, I’m so scared to do something wrong, even a tiny little thing that will send me back into the gloomy scary place. And I think being worried doesn’t actually help the situation, as it has been proven soooo many times that me worrying results in such a bg jump, which Pluschenko can only dream about. So breathe in, breathe out, relax and let it flow, I guess.

A For Instance – Yesterday

2007-02-28T09:31:00.000Z

17.5 – woke up, 6:30 (Dear God! %#^&!!! ... frantically grab the insulin pen, feeling absolutely AWFUL, killing headache and pain all over, vision is so blurry can hardly make out the numbers on the meter, head is anvil heavy and spinning so much I feel like I'm on a Merry-Go-Round, feel poisoned)

11.5 – after correction (far from perfect but getting there)

7 – before breakfast (feeling woozy as bg dropped more than 10 points in just a couple of hours)

5.7 – 2 hours after eating (obviously the correction is still working)

5.3 – before lunch (I really need food – starving!)

4.3 – 2 hours after lunch (did I eat? Snack!)

9 – before dinner

12.7 – 1 hour after dinner (hmmm, suppose to be right, right? as it was just 1 hour)

5.7 – 3 am (just checking)

11.6 – woke up, 6:30 (ok, that’s already better but what the hell???)

Update

2007-02-26T07:40:00.000Z

Despite the promises of regular postings I've disappeared yet again for all the valid reasons of course but that's not an excuse. So time for an update, even if it is rather modest and bulleted.

I've traded Humalog for NovoRapid, as Humalog hurt a lot when injected. NovoRapid doesn't hurt and I LOVE the pen it comes with!!!! Though still haven't figured out if it has the same effect on my bg.
I changed the endo! Yey!!!! for me! As my previous one was a walking anecdote and was only good for writing prescriptions, oh wait, not even for that! every time he wrote a prescription for me the whole drugstore team had to put their heads together to figure out what did he mean by that. I think they put them on a special bulletin board with the title of "The Most Cryptic Prescriptions By The Doctors Who Don't Know A *** " But that's in the past now and I'm looking forward to see my new endo in April, I heard he's great and with a good sense of humor! I'll tell you all about him. Oh by the way, that was the first time I complained in the hospital, but hey if it got me a new doc, why not, may be I should do it more often.
And actually I did. To my diabetic nurse, who is an angel and a lifesaver when it comes to saving lives. I complained about the horrible Lantus pen, which always leaves me confused and scared whether I got the right dose or not. So she gave me TWO new Opticlicks that work so much better, no fuss with inserting the cartridges at all!!! I'm probably the least updated diabetic there is, right? hence the absence of the pump still. Coming to that now ...
Pump. I was thinking and planning and making pro - con lists for a while - it's a big decision even if everyone and everything is screaming of it's obvious advantages, it's still quite a change in the daily diabetes regime. So I was finally ready to go ahead with it when my beloved bg's got so out of hand, and here comes a scary part - almost a month ago!!!!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I've been struggling with the most terrifying bg's (up till 20!!!) for almost a month now and let me tell you this - I'm scared. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot!!!!! I have no clue why they are acting so crazy. I've tried everything! and then some more. Yes, I did have some outrageous amounts of stress and not so good news lately, but that seems to come in order now and I can even sleep at nights again, but hey, not so quick, the 14s and 17s keep me awake with a terrible headache and restlessness and make me run to the toilet quite a lot. I seriously don't know what to do anymore and neither does my diabetic team. Any advice? Please!

For the rest, whoooh ... too much negativity on my poor head and way too much life’s unfairness but I’m not going to bother you with it, I can just say it seems to go better now and hopefully very soon it will be all solved out and I’ll be able to tell you good news.

The craziest cat I've ever seen

2007-02-13T08:54:00.001Z

Scary cat)), originally uploaded by Kat A.

Isn't this something? My sister's cat making faces and looking just a little bit drunk.

lovely lists ...

2007-02-09T13:16:00.000Z

[. profile . ]

freakishly organised
red bull addict
sickeningly realistic
perfectionist
genetically programmed for striving and achieving
believer in myself
confident but insecure at times
bookworm

[ . i can . ]

think
drive you crazy
drive
be super sweet
create
solve
lead
learn quick
adopt easily
work hard
communicate

[ . i can't . ]

be one of many in the crowd
live in utopia
sing
sit still
do nothing
pretend

A Praise for Lists

2007-02-09T10:28:00.000Z

I like lists. Correction - I looove lists!!! I love them so much I have lists of lists sometimes. I think lists if not a great organisational tool than at least a wonderful tool to trick yourself that everything is organised and nothing forgotten, so you can peacefully go to sleep at night without frantically making the lists of things to do in your head trying to remember if you missed something. It's a great thing to make your life easier.

Post-its are another amazing invention. Putting small notes around the house or at work - precious, should remember though not to carry away to avoid the Bruce Almighty situation. All in all it gives me a relax feeling to know that I have a precise list of appointments for this week in my diary or a detailed list of clothes to take on a weekend trip, otherwise I'd spend hours on thinking what to wear (girls out there I'm sure can relate) or a grocery list so I won't forget some of the essential ingredients for the dinner in my after-work-tired-brain-stand-by state. So I'm the biggest fan!

Crossing everything off, well, realistically happened once or twice, so I give myself a fair margin to not get stressed when I never manage to cross out all the items. I usually end up transferring the left-overs to the yet another list to give them another chance, and if they are not crossed out again, may be they weren't that important in the first place.

Therefore, I have lots of lists and notebooks full of lists laying around and I thought it might be funny sharing them here on the blog from time to time. But don't worry, I'm not going to bother you with groceries or bills-to-pay lists. This is about all the other lists I like to make at different points of my life, like aliens I'd like to meet, or awards I'd like to win or 100 silly phrases I want to learn in Japanese etc.

Back again

2007-02-07T15:24:00.000Z

I know it has been a while since my last post, I have disappeared without a warning from my otherwise pretty regularly updated blog, but it's been busy.

Busy at work, and reading those 3 words I still don't believe I actually typed them ,as my work and busy just don't normally go together.

It's been busy trying to crawl out of a black whole, which is quite difficult when you don't know where the whole actually begins or ends. It was a tough beginning of the year for me for many reasons I'm not going to bore you with, most of them didn't go away, but at least I changed my attitude and now February is so much better with me feeling happy again. It was very hard to find energy again, to find the will to fight and even hope seemed to vanish, which is in my opinion the last to go.

But I'm better now and planning to stay this way, and also write more often again.

Happy flies hunting

2007-01-22T09:11:00.000Z

What is determining the good mood? Actually so little is needed to push you from the sunny smiley state of mind into a rainy grumpy miserable disaster, which seems to stick to you like super-glue and refuses to be shaken off by any amount of kindness, jokes or good news thrown at you. The line is so thin and easy to cross from sunny to rainy but so damn hard to cross it back. It's like some stubborn little but very annoying creature inside you took to like it on the dark side, in its comfort of shadows and loneliness, where there is no need for excuses for the nastiness and bad temper. It's too hard to be on the sunny side all the time. Ya it's indeed warm and comfy and lots of fun but you're always in the light, there is no shadows or quiet dark corners to hide in when you feel down or not like smiling or just need a break and a quiet peaceful moment to yourself. There's nowhere to hide your weaknesses, they are like in a spotlight - you have to be a Dream-Ville-Hollywood-smile-looking-perfect all the time on the sunny side. It's impossible to be happy and feel good all the time. It's necessary to allow yourself to be sad sometimes and it's not a crime to be tired or upset or disappointed or just feel like crying. Am I making sense?

But what is determining the good mood? Because the good mood is so powerful, it's a shiny shield against all the bad and gray around. It's not going to save you from the blow but at least it will decrease the impact. What I realized is that there are such tiny things, little mundane things that drop by drop fill up the jar, the meter of happiness. A phone conversation with my sister, an email from a friend, a sunny day (they're almost extinct in the Netherlands), the kitten finally eating even if it's a little bit, a favorite song on the radio, and of course, the major, the master, the top mood booster, the one that makes your good mood meter jump up a few extra points, the ultimate for all the diabetics - good blood glucose reading.

Seems easy, huh? to fill your day with those easy good-mood-boosting things to make yourself feel ecstasy-high the whole day? Well, not so easy. The trick is to outbalance all the nasty stinking bad things buzzing towards you, and for each tiny unexpected wasp of good-mood-poison you need at least ten little happy flies. Well my schedule is busy already, no spare time to go hunting for the happy flies. So what's the solution or rather a conclusion? It's to stay open for all the happy flies generously sent to you by the close and love ones in our lives and try to keep your eyes open to find as many as you can yourself, as they are everywhere, you just have to look carefully to spy their tiny little glittering wings and shiny eyes.

Confession

2007-01-18T12:23:00.000Z

I have a confession to make. I'm absolutely addicted to flickr.

Broken

2007-01-17T14:54:00.000Z

Broken believes are very difficult and close to impossible to fix. A broken branch doesn't grow back to the tree. All that is said afterwards, and it's a lot, would be very comforting and reassuring be my believes in the words still in place, but now they just noise, now they just words on the sand washed off by the waves the minute they've been written down.

You say: "It's not necessary", you say: "You don't want to hurt me", you say ... , you say and that's it. As soon as the words are out, they vanish in the thin air and don't reappear, there's nothing to prove that they were even said. A seed of hope, of believe, of wish to believe, they plant every time, dies almost immediately. Waiting, holding my breath that, yes this is the time, this time you're not just saying, this time you're actually going to try to make it true, and every time bitter disappointment. There is a limit till when I am willing to believe that this time is different. Empty promises, they like soup bubbles, pretty and shiny but burst the second you touch them.

At some point "sorry" also loses its power and meaning. There is only a number of times in a particular length of time that that word works and is actually true.

Isn't he cute?

2007-01-15T13:19:00.001Z

Isn't he cute?, originally uploaded by sasha_a.

Looking forward to meet you all

2007-01-12T08:28:00.000Z

Taking a lead from Mel and Penny I'd like to use what's left of the de-lurking week (whoever invented that one) and ask you to leave a comment, if you don't normally do, by simply saying hello, and, if not too much trouble, who you are and if you have a blog. I'd just really like to know who else steps by my blog, be it by interest or by accident, in addition to those who generously and kindly comment on my posts.

Has it started already?

2007-01-12T08:00:00.000Z

Another year has passed. 2006 is gone, the lovely and live-changing 2006. I gonna miss you. I learned to like you. You were so different and kind and you brought lots of changes to my life, good ones and extremely wonderful ones. Thank you for being such a great year.

Usually on the first days of the year I get this surreal feeling of being in a new unfamiliar place where I've never been before and where I don't know what to expect. It's just an unnoticeable change of a number in the calendar, the matter of just a second when the clock's hand moves just a tiny millimeter and it's a new year. Nothing changes, people are the same, things around are the same but I get this feeling of change, of something very new and unfamiliar in the air. Something very young and still clean with so many opportunities. Excited, with new energy and new ideas and hopes and new determination, eager to get to know the new year, find out what he has under its sleeve - that's the usual feeling on 1st of January.

Usually ... but not this year. Where's that new year energy? Where's that new beginning enthusiasm? Where's the new excitement to test the limits and find new challenges? I feel like an 99 year-old, tired, ignorant and a bit slow. (If any 99 year-olds reading, please don't take offense in the above and congratulations on living for so long). I feel like still dragging in 2006, trying to catch up with a leaving train. The train, that be "2007 Express", somehow managed to depart with my luggage of 2007 resolutions on but leaving me at the station "2006".

Lost luggage: 2007 New Year resolutions - 9 items, total weight = too heavy to lift for an average person:

Get healthier - a huge old yellow suitcase with lots of stamps on it, when you try to roll it it gets stuck all the time on what seems every stone and bump, or even rolls back and falls.

Lower the A1C - a very old squeaky small but very heavy black case with a secret-code lock.

Find a new job, the one I'd really love - a big thick portfolio leaving a trace of pictures and papers falling out.

Write more - a fancy new laptop bag.

Read even more - a very heavy worn brown leather suitcase with a falling off handle.

Spend more time with loved ones - a funny furry pink item with lots of stickers on it, what appears to be a thick photo album.

Visit family more often, meaning more than twice a year - some-time-ago-pink suitcase filled to the top what appears to be various objects of different shapes wrapped in different colors paper with some kind of attempted decorations on top.

At least try to go to the gym or do some kind of sport - a very dusty sport bag, seemed to be lost even before the train.

Find a good hairdresser (a bigger problem than you think) - a very tiny and elegant woman's purse.

I definitely exceeded the limit of 20kg allowed per person and I know, I know ambitious, but I can't help it. Life is short and all those things are very important to me.

2007-01-10T14:47:00.000Z

It's raining cats and dogs outside, plus it's very fogy (I think there's a nature contradiction somewhere in that happening simultaneously). I was looking forward to leaving work earlier today but not so sure anymore. Although if I think about the cat (real one), a kitten really, all alone at home I reconsider the decision of hiding out in the office from the nasty weather.

Some vacation photos

2007-01-08T14:54:00.000Z

I just wanted to share some of the pictures from our amazing trip to Moscow.

It was so wonderful for me to be home with my family again and be able to spend both Christmas and New Year in such a colorful, warm and full of flavours and so culturally rich country I simply adore. My apologies for such an over-patriotic enthusiasm but it's simply beautiful! Don't you think?

Even on a grey day it still looks amazing!

We walked a lot. Been, of course, to the Red Square, the Kremlin, the Historical Museum, the Old Arbat and the New one, GUM ...

... and to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour ...

Christmas trees were everywhere ...

At home the tree was constantly attacked and inhibited by a suddenly very wild cat ...

On the Christmas Eve we went to a Christmas concert, "Evening with Mozart", which is traditionally organised each year and conducted by a leading Russian conductor and violinist, Vladimir Spivakov, together with the Moscow Virtuosi chamber orchestra.

On the New Year's Eve we went to Evgeni Plushenko's "The New Year's Eve Ice Show". He is a Russian figure skater, the six-time National Champion, five-time European Champion, three-time World Champion, and 2006 Winter Olympics gold medalist, simpler put - a genius on ice and absolutely amazing to watch, both, his serious and comical numbers. Plushenko and many other celebrated figure skaters presented such a brilliant New Year’s Eve Ice show featuring ice and flame, flying and inspiration, grace and beauty, smiles and such a warm feeling! Moreover Edvin Marton was part of the show, accompaning the skaters with his extrodinnary beautiful violin playing (I guess you guessed already, I'm a classical music fan, big time).

The whole trip was very exciting, eventful and full of positive emotions. But the best part was being home and spending time with the family.

Oh, by the way, I just realised this is the first time I show my face on blogger, oh well it's about time ...

very hard post to write and share

2007-01-05T10:34:00.000Z

Of course there is always tomorrow but life is short, so do your best today - is my motto in life, but it's very difficult for me to stick to it at the moment.

I've been crying a lot lately. And by lately I don't mean a couple of days, more like a couple of months it seems, or even longer. It's a non-stop. Tears appear for no reason and for every reason they can find. At any time of the day, when going to bed, driving to work, putting on make-up in the morning. Crying because I'm hurt, crying because I'm sad, crying because I think I'm alone in terms of no one can really understand what I'm going through, especially the loved ones whom I need the most, and them not getting me makes me cry even more. I want to crawl somewhere far away from everyone and everything and just cry my heart out, just cry and cry until I can't cry no more. Crying because I miss my family. Crying because I miss my culture and country. Crying for not being in the place I want to be. Crying for not doing what I want to do. Crying for not being appreciated. Crying because I'm tired ... tired ... that seems to be the only thought stubbornly reappearing in my mind like an annoying mosquito, buzzing invisibly at my ear. Why am I tired? What am I tired of? Well, here we go again ... of not being appreciated, of the alone feeling even though I'm surrounded by people, of not being able to apply myself in terms of not having a job, which I can jump in head first with all my enthusiasm and grow and develop myself in, tired of constant diabetes struggle (duh, big surprise, nothing new there, it's just usually I'm in better shape and mood to stick to the job, yet another one I didn't ask for or wanted to have). Tired of being strong. But I can't allow myself just to sit and howl, I will only sink deeper and lose it completely. But I also can't do it without help, I so desperately need a strong hand to pull me out, but I don't know how to ask. Asking isn't in my nature, I'm used to do everything myself and work really hard for everything I want to achieve. But my battery is empty and the charger is laying far away to reach.

2007-01-05T07:10:00.000Z

I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. a stranger is looking back at me with unfamiliar eyes. 'where are you?' - a question to myself, who is for some unknown reason is not there. a substitute is staring ignorantly back in silence. useless. i'm not going to find myself in the mirror. even a reflection of me. lost. yet once again. well you can run but you can't hide, well actually you can hide but you can't run, but you can't hide forever. i'll find you anyway, you are me after all.

Happy New Year!!!

2007-01-01T12:16:00.000Z

I would like to wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year!

Let the New Year bring you new luck and happiness, new strengths and determination, new lovely discoveries and adventures, many many smiles and sunny days!

Let the New Year be enjoyable! Let all the planned to come through and all the wished to come true!

2006-12-19T17:42:00.000Z

Rambling the latest news

2006-12-18T09:07:00.000Z

It's an official count-down started as of today till Saturday take-off. So many things to arrange and stuff to pack, as well as (we just realised on Sunday) buying kitty stuff, coz as we're coming back with a kitten, we'd better have a catbox and the food in the house for the little cute monster who doesn't have a name yet.

Work is booooring as usual and even more due to soon holidays. Time is stretching as a master yoga guru. But work is nothing, I'm in a good mood and smiling, wearing a new outfit, having the best boyfriend waiting for me at home when I get back and a wonderful 9 days ahead in Moscow with my family and with my boyfriend :) So life is cool so far. I'm doing my best at surviving and relaxing at the same time. Confusing, but I'm getting a hang of it. Only thing - I managed to get a cold after all and had 4 night lows last week, but the spirits are up and calculators drawn, trying to figure out the right dose of evening insulin.

We also saw "The Holiday" in the weekend and liked it a lot, funny-christmasy-feel-good movie.

P.S. - 'we' refers to my boyfriend and me and not to my big ego.

Nighty night ...

2006-12-18T07:48:00.000Z

My mom is driving, which is strange, she can’t drive. My sister is in the car as well. It’s night but the moon is very bright. We’re somewhere on the roads of Siberia, I can tell by the forests on the both sides of the road and the enormous amount of snow glittering in the moonlight. So it’s winter.

We stopped on the side of the road and seem to wait for someone or something. I start to feel worried, as it is night and we’re in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly someone knocks on the window on my side, which startled me to death. It’s a woman dressed in a fur coat. She wants to ask us for directions when she’s interrupted by a man in a uniform who has just came by. ‘You have to leave immediately. All of you.’ he tells us. ‘There’s some shooting going on.’

We hurry to leave. Mom tries to get back on the road but it seems she suddenly remembers she can’t drive and she struggles with the car. I realize that it’s probably would be better if I drove and tell her to switch seats with me quickly. Behind the wheel I get us back on the road in a couple of seconds.

The road is icy and I grip the wheel harder. Which way am I supposed to go? Suddenly it hits me, the whole seriousness of the situation, the heaviness of the fact that it is my responsibility to get my mom and my sister alive out of here. The best thing would be to get off the road and hide somewhere in the shadows of the woods but there’re huge snow banks on both sides of the road.

We hear the shooting behind us now and the noise of cars’ engines getting closer. I glance in the rear view mirror. There are two black jeeps behind us racing insanely fast chasing what seems to be us but another glance in the front window and I realize they are chasing another black jeep that suddenly appeared in front of our car.

The men behind us start to shoot again. The men in front of us answer. The razor sharp thought that we are in the middle of the fire makes me turn right instantly and stop on the side of the road not knowing what to do next.

The only thing we can do is get out of the car and hide behind one of the snow banks, which seemed to be enormous before but now totally tiny, not enough to hide us from the eyes of the enemies.

Who are they? What the hell is going on? And why are we in the middle of it and hanging to the last breath of our lives? All this time a big bad dark whole has been growing inside me. This isn’t going to end soon or peaceful. I only wish I was alone. The responsibility for my mom and sis and the inability to do anything to protect them eating me inside out, biting piece by piece. The oppressed feeling is growing.

More men are coming on foot. All of them with guns and shouting, hungry for blood. The situation starts to look even more hopeless as I realize that they just want to kill, no matter who or what, just for the sake of it.

We’re still lying on our stomachs behind the snow bank as quietly as we can. It’s strange I don’t feel cold. Next I see the man in the uniform who happened to be on the road being shot. He screams flying his arms up in the air and falls.

Men are closer. They are running in our direction. It’s too late to try to run. I see a man above me with his gun at my head. Something inside me breaks and I can’t breathe. I hear shots and feel something dull going into my spine. I hear other shots right beside me and realize that the game is over for all three of us.

Men are gone. It’s suddenly all quiet. I’m prepared to die. It’s the feeling of acceptance. No anger, no regret, no fear, no pain … Just patiently waiting for the end, like it’s every day business, like waiting for a bus. Of course it’s a pity life ended so suddenly and so stupidly for no reason, but I’m actually kind of relieved and extremely calm.

No pain. Why don’t I feel pain? I try to feel at all, to feel my body. I’m paralyzed. I can’t move a finger. I can’t turn my head to see mom or sis, but I know they’re right beside me. I can only move my eye leads. Suddenly I feel frozen cold spreading all over my body.

‘Why aren’t we dieing?’ asks mom. ‘It depends on where you got shut’ I am starting to explain and am disguised with my calmness and rationality.

After a while of waiting for the death I get bored and frustrated that it doesn’t come. I wait a bit longer and then decide that if I’m not dieing than I’d better get up and do something. I try to move, but I’m still frozen and don’t feel a muscle. But after a while of convincing my brain that if I’m not dieing I might as well move, I start feeling little by little warmth spreading inside my legs and arms and I slowly get up.

I look around. It looks like a war battlefield. Dead people laying on the ground, red stains on the white snow, some men with guns still running somewhere behind, shouting ‘Killing is fun, come on, join the party!’ or something rather equally disgusting. My head is twirling a little and my feet are not entirely listening to me. I start my way up the road towards what seems like epicenter of all the action.

... the dream, as you guessed it was a dream, or rather a nightmare, goes on for another three good chapters at least, but I'm already exhausted writing this part. The rest of it though gets even more crazy involving an office of a secret service kind of agency, first located in a tropical tree (and as you remember I was in Siberia), and then it magically relocates on space ship with a nice view on a backdoor parking lot of some office located in Belgium. Don't ask me why.

I dream all kind of weird stuff all the time. Sometimes it's very tiring and sometimes I wake up and the real life seems so dull. On the other occasions I'm glad I'm actually alive or not convicted of a witch craft in the middle ages or that world war four hasn't started yet.

Dear D

2006-12-15T13:20:00.000Z

Things I hate about you:

you have made over 55,000 holes in me
you don't allow me to eat what I want
you keep me constantly worried
you are very demanding
but you never say what you really need
you interfere with my life
you wake me up at night
you make my handbag heavy

I have about another 100 of those in my head even without thinking but let's just pretend the list stops there, focus on positive, right?

Things I like about you:

you make me take care of myself
you don't allow me to eat what I want
you make me stronger
you make me more self-disciplined
you teach me to appreciate things more in life

All in all I wouldn't choose you as a roommate for life, you're not the most easy-going but as long as we stuck on each other, we might as well try to get alone. Besides you teach me a lot and keep me focused.

One sunny summer day

2006-12-13T08:41:00.000Z

The day I was diagnosed I'll never forget. I can't remember the date exactly, it was somewhere in May 1991, but I remember the day as it was yesterday.

I was nine. School was over and my mom took me and my sister to my grandma's, who lived in another town. It was a usual ruitine. I always spent summers at my grand parents, it was the happiest time of the year. Three months of running freely and playing with my friends in a wonderful weather and spending time with my grandparents, who were wonderful and loved me to pieces. I was truly the happiest kid and waited impatiantly every year for the summer.

But that summer was already different. My grandpa died a year ago from cancer, everyone was still in shock and grieving including me. My grandma moved to another neighborhood, meaning I couldn't play with my friends anymore and have to make new ones. But I was still positive, my sister was with me and my mom didn't have to leave immediately to go back home. I was expecting it to be a good summer after all but then the unexpected happened.

I have to mention that my grandma is a doctor. So when she saw me and all the 'lovely' symptoms, that were worring my mom already for a month, she knew immediately. I lost weight, I was drinking too much water and going to the bathroom a lot, I was pale and refused to eat even my favourite foods. I still remember all four of us, my grandma, my mom, my sister and me, sitting in a sunny kitchen having breakfast. There was a freshly-baked carrot cake and chocolates on the table but I wasn't interested in any of those (if only I knew I wouldn't be alowed to eat any sweets already that evening). My mom and my grandma were talking about me, I didn't pay much attention, but I remember the serious and sad expression on my grandma's face and my mom's extreamly worried.

We're supposed to go for a walk afterwards and play outside the whole day. Instead I was told I have to go with my grandma to the hospital. Why? Why do I have to go to the hospital? Why do I have to do tests? What's going on? We're on vacation and we're going to play and enjoy the sun. Well, vacation was over there and then, as well as my childhood.

After visiting what seemed to me hundreeds of hospitals and doctors (my grandma wanted to get second opinions, I just think she was hoping to hear that what was obvious wasn't true). I remember being very tired from all the walking and waiting and being in the places I didn't want to be. I saw children in the pediatric ward and thought thatnks god I'd never have to stay in the hospital as they do, and that just in a couple of hours I'd be home, in comfort and safity with my family, and I'd just forget that awful day ever happened.

Little did I know. My grandma knew more. They just tested my blood glucose, it was 17. I was so exhausted at that point and stressed by the surialness of the day, it all seemed like a nightmare, so I decided that my grandma is joking or went crazy when she started to talk that I might need to stay in the hospital tonight and that it's not that bad. I thought there couldn't be anything else more scarry and horible. I was a very loved and home child, and the idea of spending a night away from my family terridied me to death.

So the verdict was made. Next thing was my mom finding out and starting crying so hard and so much that I knew at that point that something was wrong, that it might not all go away that easily as I thought. I still didn't have a clue what's going on but I started to worry. My mom was crying the whole day and the day after and I think the whole week after that. That sorrow written on her face and helpness I still see them so clear. I was asking her over and over again why was she crying and telling her she didn't have to, that I was fine, but that only made her cry even more.

In the evening my mom took me to the hospital and I was hospitalised for two weeks. The doctor told me that I should forget about all the sweets (at that time it was still believed that diabetics shouldn't eat anything containing sugar). And I thought for a thousands time that day: "What happened to all the adults today? They're all talking crazy. They don't have to be so serious, nothing happened."

Well soon enough I understood that the adults didn't all go crazy simultaniously, it's not a nightmare, it's very very real, all of it - hospitals, doctors, shots and pricks, and most horrible - being away from my family.

But after two weeks I was released from the hospital and could finally start enjoying the summer. I was a normal kid again. I didn't see much of a difference made in my life. Shots didn't bother me too much and of course I couldn't grab the whole seriousness of the diabetes at that age, when the sky is blue and sun is shining and your memory is very short of the bad experiences, and you truly think that it's all just temporally, of course I'm not going to have diabetes forever, and of course I won't have to go to the hospital again, it's all in the past, I can just continue with my happy life with just a couple of shots a day, no biggie.

Thinking back now I can't even start to imagine what a terrifying time it was for my mom, how big a stress and task felt on her shoulders, how lost and lonely she must have felt (there was not much information on diabetes at that time where we lived), how scarred she must have been and how worried about doing it right.

But she kept it together for me, she learned, she was strong for me, she changed the lifestyle of the whole family, she loved me enough to be strict when needed, she was patient, she was carying, she was helping me through. She made it so easy, well as easy as it could be. I didn't even notice much the first couple of years with diabetes, well except for those quarterly hospital stays, which got worse and worse with each time.

So I'm just thankful to my mom for all she did. She taught me right, she prepared me for being able to handle the diabetes on my own when I grew up. And I'm thankful to her for being brave and trusting me enough to let me go at sixteen and start my own life, start my search for myself and for what I want to do with my life. Thank you mom! I love you!

Christmas's in the air!

2006-12-11T16:21:00.000Z

It definitely starting to smell like Christmas. Christmas trees and decorations appearing all around, even in the office it looks warm and cozy. People are starting to have an unofficial competition of whose desk is best decorated.

It's amazing, just two weeks left and it's holidays, just 12 days left and I'm going to see my family after what seems a century but in fact 9 months of not being able to go home to Moscow. I'm very excited!!! I hope there's snow. It's going to be so pretty at this time of the year - Christmas lights and Christmas trees and decorations all over the city. Can't wait!!!

Try it! It's fun!

2006-12-11T16:14:00.000Z

Thanks to Allison for sharing this fun test!It might not be true ;) but it's definitely entertaining.So go on and try it and don't forget to post your results!

Is there a connection?

2006-12-07T11:22:00.000Z

I've made an unexpected discovery today. I don't know if it's actually true but it seems so to me, as the pattern was already there and today just proves my theory.

But ok, from the beginning.

I've been very unhappy with my work for a couple of months already, just due to the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do there and it's just the whole day of boredom, which is the thing I hate the most, as well as waisting time and sitting around not doing anything. All combined going to work has been a torture every day. I already dread it in the evening when I have to go to bed. Well, I've been aggressively looking for a new job but no luck yet.

So that's the scene of the crime. The crime itself is that my blood glucose has been stubbornly staying in the neighbourhood of 11 for quite a time during the week, but and there's a bit but coming, it lows in the evenings and weekends. Got me thinking already.

And today I stayed home, honestly just because I couldn't face another day of pretending-to-be-busy-at-work. I just invented an nonexistent flue and here I'm feeling so relieved and happy. Well guess what, I'm not the only one that's happy. My b.g. has been so far 7.2, 6 and 7. I don't know but it makes me wonder.

Is me being unhappy at work influences by b.g. so much? I eat the same, I exercise the same, which is I don't, I take same amount of insulin. And I do know that my emotions play a great part in my diabetes control. So I guess now I'm even more motivated to find a new job.

Did any of you experienced something like that?

On a secret mission

2006-12-05T10:06:00.000Z

Diabetes can be inconvenient in many situations but I find it the most difficult at work. The thing is I don't want my employer or my co-workers to know about my diabetes, partly because I fear it might influence the attitude towards me, discriminate me somehow, I'm just not too brave to find out. And partly as a self-protection from all the horrible questions and assumptions, as well as necessity to explain yourself all the time (office of over 700 people, I can only imagine). No, I just prefer not to stand out of the crowd (I never thought I'd say those words). So every time I have to take a shot or check my blood glucose in the office it's a mission impossible of an invisible 007, sneaking with all the equipment to the ladies', which is of course at the other end of a never-ending open-office floor (now I have a weird picture in my head of J.Bond dressed in skirt sheepishly making his way to the ladies' hiding behind the cabinets and office plants). People are starting to suspect that I'm secretly building a bombing device in a bathroom cubicle (with all the beeping and clicking sounds), or stealing office supplies, or sneaking to smoke without sharing, although they know I don't smoke. Of course I don't care, I'll test as much as I need and I'll take as many shots as I need, but still it's annoying to hide. It feels like I'm doing something so criminal when in fact I'm just taking care of my health

Finally

2006-11-28T15:06:00.000Z

Finaly there is a glamse of light at the end of the tunnel! 5.5 this morning and going steady so far. Yey!!!

D-lovely :) or I'm going crazy

2006-11-27T14:37:00.000Z

I can't decide what time is it. Is it time to get freaked out or frustrated or scarred? Or all together, which I really am. It's been a little over 3 weeks that I can't get my BG back to normal no matter what I do. It's been a roller-coaster for far too long (even though I can ride those things for ages, the real ones, but this one making me sick and exhausted, both physically and emotionally). From 3 to 20 and then back 3.5 and back up to 18. I don't even feel anymore when it's going down, my body is just in constant shock, it's like sitting in an electric chair having heart and panic attacks at the same time. Who the hell thought that would be a fun ride to create? Well, I definitely didn't buy a ticket for that one. Can I please get out? Please? Is it ever gonna be normal again?

Oh, did I mention the funnest part of it all? Most of the falls are at night at 3 and my loyal alarm clock is at 6 to wake me up for work, you do the math. Typing is like power-lifting. For the rest, what rest? that's the top of my abilities now. I also figured out how dangerous it is driving with such a condition, god damn, how did that truck appeared in front of me or a bike for that matter?

I think I'm already getting used to a constant migraine and feeling like a zombie who was brought back to life against his will, while his body is still half dead. Loved-ones. Hmmm, separate chapter. Let's see, I scrubbed the last crumbs of energy left today to open my eyes, to move one foot than the other, there is no reserves for staying all lovely and smiley, there is no energy to explain why it doesn't feel like I am in the room, there is definitely no energy for explaining what's wrong with me (damn don't they think I would like to be the first to know??? and if I did I would do something about it?????), there is no energy to explain that it's not the lack of sleep that will kill me or their interrupted sleep for that matter. There is no energy full stop. There is anger. There is frustration. There is fear. There is that everlasting question "why". There is self-pity. And there is definitely loneliness. But there is no energy.

A bit more about me

2006-11-24T14:02:00.000Z

I've just started this blog today so would like to say hello to everyone who happened to view this page and welcome to do it more often. I will try to update it as much as possible.

The idea behind starting this blog was the ability to share with people who can really understand and relate to the daily adventures of a life with diabetes, type 1. I have had type 1 since I was 9, so I pretty much don't remember what it's like to live without diabetes and not start your day with measuring your BG, that tiny number on a little screen that can set your mood for the whole day ahead. I can't imagine actually what it's like to live without a diabetes, but I definitely know what it's like to live with one. I have a positive view on it and consider it more as a lifestyle than an illness, but oh boy, what a tough life it is to live. And even though I made my peace with it, the question: "why me?" is permanently tattooed inside my head.

Sometimes the will is so strong to give up and sometimes it seems like nothing and that I can conquer mountains. But I do wish there were possibilities of vacations or at least of days off, hell, a coffee-break would be nice. No one applies for this job, at least I didn't. It's definitely not something I would wish for, but the truth is diabetes is so much a part of me, a part of who I am, that if it was suddenly gone, i would actually miss it. That strict self-discipline, that on-going project, continuous challenges, the enormous satisfaction of each winning and achievement. I might complain sometimes, ok, may be even more often, but I like handling it, the best I can of course.

Ok, so this was more about my diabetes, rather than about me, so here a bit about me.

I left home when I was 16, so right after I finished high-school. No not left in terms of moved to a student dorm a couple of blocks away from home, no I moved countries. I was born and lived the first 16 years of my life in Siberia and I moved to Europe to get the university education there. Since then, I've been living in 4 different countries over the last 7 years, graduated with a diploma in Marketing, have done various internships and now am enjoying my first job for almost a year. I finally settled down in the Netherlands and am busy now with building up my life here. I enjoy many things in life and try to enjoy each day as the last. I have many dreams and ambitions. I like to explore and learn new things. I loooove reading. What else? Well many things, but I will bore you with them later on.

Bull's Eye

2006-11-24T11:47:00.000Z

it's like a game. see if you can get the high scores, only instead of aiming at high scores you have to score low but at the same time not too low, like throwing exactly in the bull's eye. and don't we all know how difficult it is. and it rather happens by long tedious practice or by accident, which is more annoying is yet a question to be answered. but if you do manage to get the bull eye, the amount of satisfaction and happiness it brings is worth the effort of trying.