Back to the sanity

If I urged anyone by the previous post to reach for the phone and call the mental house, you can postpone the restraining jacket just for now, I'm much better now :) Needed to let some steam out. Now can breathe again, though not really, it's very warm outside and no air movement.

I have not seen my sugars today lower than 14, yes fourteen! taking more and more insulin with every hour, hardly ate any carbs today but the stubborn meter shows the same numbers and my throat desperately demanding water all the time.

It's only TWO days left till the pump!!! How happy am I? I don't expect miracles but it definitely can't get any worse. Oh, no more shots on almost every 2 hours basis (yes, it's been that bad for me lately), no more alarm at 3 at night for testing and taking insulin, no more trips to the ladies' at work for injections, no more "can anyone remember if I took my Lantus?", just no more.

Though there will be: oh dear summer clothes, where can I stick my pump on you? how the hell don't I get suffocated by all the tubing at night? what do I tell people when I suddenly start beeping or vibrating or have to reach under my skirt or in my bra? how not to kill the romance with the whole scene of equipment sticking out and hanging on me? does the color of the shoes suppose to match the color of the pump? - ok, that one is a joke but I'm totally serious about all the previous questions.

Oh and this I totally stole from Allison:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Are my eyes open because I don't see much. When eyes open: ha, not so bad.

2. How much cash do you have on you? ehm, no idea, some, enough for lunch and parking.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? Something dirty came to mind and not entirely appropriate, so I'll go with floor.

4. Favorite planet? Well, Earth, I live here, it's pretty cool.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Unknown. That unknown has been calling for the whole day like 20 times in total, and whenever I pick up, he or she just hangs up.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Changes all the time. Currently I have a song by Ashley Simpson "L.O.V.E."

7. What shirt are you wearing? It's a cute black summer top.

8. Do you label yourself? No.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing: Zara. ok, don't laugh, I usually have more expensive shoes on my feet, but these particular ones are so cute and comfortable. They're summer shoes, checked of black, beige and a bit golden colors with two cute black ribbons.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright, full of sunshine.

11. Why is there always a missing question? Why is there always a missing answer?

12. What does your watch look like? It's a black, round, rather big one from Guess with lots of bling-bling all around.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching the first dream.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "Ha, ha! See you soon. Love you! xxx"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I don't think they exist in the Netherlands, so I'm guessing the nearest is going to be in England.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? For instance - that's two, but I say that a lot, people even make fun of it.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My boyfriend this morning before leaving for work.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Sema, my cat, the furriest :)

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Let's see, insulin obviously and some stuff for the killing headache.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? who develops film?

21. Favorite age you have been so far? from 4 (earliest I can remember) till 9 (at 9 I got diagnosed) and from 20 up till now has been almost perfect with the huge exception of 22 - confusing?

22. Your worst enemy? Myself

23. What is your current desktop picture? A funny one of me and my cat.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Stop putting your tail in my coke." to my cat, who did you think?

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be? Million, I'm afraid of heights.

26. Do you like someone? Many people. As a particular someone? Yes, my boyfriend, which is lucky considering that he and I live together ;)

27. The last song you listened to? One by Glukoza

28. What time of day were you born? Somewhere around 11pm on Friday may I add.

29. What's your favorite number? 7, also 17 as it is a lucky one for me.

30. Where did you live in 1987? I was 5, so a safe answer would be with my parents :) in Surgut, that's in Siberia in Russia.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? Healthy people.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? I wish not but I know for sure some are.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Just started university, one of the first days after classes, all of us saw the terrible news on one of the TVs in the hall of the uni.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Give them some more - pathetic, I know.

35. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes I do.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Never wanted one, so can't tell.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Dutch would be nice, as I live in the Netherlands, also French and German, they are just convenient to know for work.

38. Would you move for the person you loved? I did, although I rather stayed than moved, and he did as well, so it was a compromise, but yes I would.

39. Are you touchy-feely? Only with my boyfriend for the rest quite opposite. Shocks me every time when a stranger touches my arm or my back.

40. What's your life motto? Live. And I mean live and not exist, live as being happy, learning, enjoying, feeling, experiencing, finding one self. For the rest: "everything is possible if you really want something", "be true to yourself" and "find what you want, otherwise you're forced to like what you don't want".

41. Name three things you have on you at all times: At all times is not possible, but most of the times on me - clothes, my rings and earrings, with me - insulin, meter and phone.

42. What's your favorite town/city? I love Moscow, Paris, Prague and of course The Hague, as I live here.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? My lunch at work.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Oh my, years and years ago, back in high school I think to my best friend who moved to England for studying.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? Oil, no, putting petrol in is as far as I go.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? He's at work, very busy, going to be home around 7. I never loved before my current boyfriend appeared in the picture, as for the crushes, back at high school, the only thing I know is that he turned into a very nasty person over the years.

47. How far back do you know your ancestry? Not far, not further than great-great-grandmothers.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? Probably last New Year's. It's a family tradition always to dress fancy for the new years. A skirt with roses pattern and a black top, I also had a matching jacket for the skirt but it was too warm. But than again I dress quite fancy for work on a daily basis, same skirts and dresses.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? One of my feet, I have been sitting on it for the last hour.

50. Have you ever been burned by love? Who hasn't?

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? I'm not gonna tell :)

52. Where would you like to live? Same place as I live now, but I'd love my family to live a bit closer.

One steaming cup of brain tea?

Have you ever got a feeling of a desperate need of being someone else for a while? To be a complete different person, with a totally different appearance and different perception of life? I have a sort of crazy feeling like this at the moment. I have this awful itching craving to get out of my own skin; my body has not been kind to me lately and I just so want to feel what it's like to be inside a healthy one. You know what they say: "healthy spirit in a healthy body". I think it's starting to get too much on my spirits. Or may be it's the other way around, my mind got polluted and it's effecting my body?

Either way I feel like I'm going crazy and don't recognize myself anymore. May be that's where the need to get out is coming from. The constant wish to run. I feel rather like screaming or hiding, or both at the same time. I don't know what's going on but one thing is definite - I don't like it. Am I having some kind of middle life crisis? Is it what a menopause feels like? Are these the symptoms of a splitting personality? Ok, first two are a bit a stretch considering I'm only 24 but the last one might be an option.

I'm pulled and pushed in so many directions, but none of them does even come close to matching the point on the life map that reads "Me". I am having a middle life crisis, but than again with having diabetes may be 24 is the middle of life - sorry, dark humor, I'm not in the sunniest of moods.

Sorry, I didn't mean to burst out like this, especially when I'm not sure what I'm bursting out about. Am I angry? am I tired? am I fed up? but than with what? I'm too exhausted to figure it out. That's the thing - I don't want to think anymore about anything, as thoughts are driving me crazy, they're making my brains boil.

Home sweet home!

We have officially moved! As a virgin owner of a home I have to say it's overwhelming and one of the best feelings. For the last week (has it been a week already?) I have been reluctant to move further than couple of meters from the apartment, I have a separation anxiety and still enjoying and absorbing every little detail about it. Home sweet home.

Of course it's still in progress and I have strong suspicions it will remain this way for the rest of the year. We're still waiting for some furniture to arrive, which is the reason why I'm cramped on the floor right now with a laptop and can't feel one of my feet. There are still empty spaces, boxes yet to be unpacked, missing lights and stuff like laundry baskets or our names on the door, but despite all that, it's amazing and I'm so so happy we finally moved!

In the other exciting news - I finally convinced my doctors or there was a full moon last week or something in the water, whatever is the reason I'm now officially cleared for starting on the pump. Oh my, did that take energy to arrange! So the historical date - June 11, which is probably going to be marked in my calendar from now on as a significant day of achievement by my stubbornness. So it's really going to happen now. I already ordered all the supplies, my diabetic nurse insists I use silhuete sets and not the quick sets, which I would prefer, but at this point I don't care, just plug me in, please!

Lost in one of the boxes

It's finally here! Well actually they are finally here! Both a pump AND a sensor!!! Big grin on my face :) I've already lost hope but got the sensor after all. Don't ask me how, it took looots of effort and time. But it is here! Even though it's a bulky old version and not a new cool tiny equivalent, I'm very very happy nonetheless :)

The only question remaining ... Didn't you see a "but" coming? Well, the only question is how to convince my doctor to let me switch to the pump. Can you imagine I actually have to convince them?

They were already convinced but now ... The whole reason for me to switch to the pump is to finally get the grip on my nasty so called "dawn syndrome", which has been driving me nuts for several months now. It's that simple. I tried everything with pens and Lantus, it just doesn't work. But. And it's a big "but". Doctors, those .... doctors are not convinced that that's the only thing that messes my sugars. And why? Just because my iron is on a low side does not mean I'm bleeding internally for the last six months and haven't noticed. They think I am.

So they want to do loooots of investigations to find out where exactly. Cool. Good luck with that. Wait, the funny part is the investigations are, of course, scheduled over the next half a year at least. Don't they think I'll bleed to death by that time? that of course if I'm bleeding in the first place. Well, I'm a bit frustrated about the whole situation. It seems like they don't want to solve the immediate problem of my high sugars but invent things that are not even there. Oh and by the way, my iron has been low since I was a child.

I know I owe everyone a post about the new home and the moving and all, in case anyone is curious, but that will have to come later on. There are still boxes moving and furniture being lifted up. I promise a full update sometime soon. And thank you all who left their congratulations in the comments of the previous post!

Happy, happy, happy!!!

Yap, that's the word together with amazing, thrilling and exciting, that describes the day we had yesterday. Drums please. Ok, are you ready? because I'm still in the stage of having troubles with believing it - my boyfriend and I, we bought a house!!! an apartment actually, an extremely nice apartment in the best neighborhood of the city with lots of space and light (windows everywhere almost from the floor to the ceiling), even with a working fireplace!!! Can you tell I'm hyper-excited? Oh, it's so pretty and perfect! We signed all the papers and got the keys yesterday. We can't wait to move. Luckily there is not much to do, the apartment is in a terrific condition. It’s such a wonderful amazing feeling to be an owner of a home after more than seven years of renting and traveling from one country to another.

Photo blog

As I mentioned in my previous blog my mom came to visit for a week. We got so lucky with the weather, the whole week was really warm and sunny and NO rain. There's probably just one such week in a whole year and we caught it! So we took advantage of such a miracle and went to whole lot of cool places around the Netherlands and even Belgium. (Chrissie, I loved it there, especially the architecture and amazing shops!)

We visited Antwerpen.


Me and Klaas, my honey.


Me and my mom

We went to Keukenhof full of colors and the most amazing tulips and flower carpets.







We even have been to the beach it was so warm (by the way it's not us on the sun beds, it was warm but not that warm).



Enjoyed the park ...



... and many more. We enjoyed it a lot! Everything looks prettier in the bright spring sun :)

That little plastic blue monster that suppose to save my life on a daily basis

Oh, where do I even start? Life is rushing despite of all my doctors' strict prescriptions of slowing down, apparently, according to them, my diabetes can't catch up with me and that is why it has been behaving so out-of-hand badly. I've spent almost the whole March at home, again according to my doctor's advice, and yesterday was my first day back to work, although I'm starting part-time and boy do I love it. Yesterday was also another milestone - I finally told people in the office about my diabetes (well I had to explain why I went missing for a month). It wasn't that big a deal at all.

Next Monday my mom is coming to visit for a week!!! Yey!!! I'm so excited, I can't wait to show her everything around here, she hasn't been to The Hague since we moved here. I think she'll like it here. God knows I love this city, not all parts though.

About two weeks ago, my diabetes nurse put me on a Minimed sensor to see if there is a pattern in my overall horrible blood glucose results. And what do you know, there is. I knew it before, I keep very detailed recordings of everyday blood sugars and insulin and food consumption, but it was nice to be proven right by a machine. And the pattern is ... apparently from about 4 a.m. and on my blood sugar rises with the speed of sound without me doing nothing but sleeping. It could go from 6 up till 20 in a matter of couple of hours, well and you can imagine waking up with such a number how the day starts and how difficult to bring it back without diving into a low. So that was my daily roller-coaster ride for over 3 months now.

The only solution in sight was and is a pump, which was ordered last week and now in about 4 to 8 weeks I'll finally catch up with the rest of the world in terms of actually using the benefits of technology developments. I'm very much pro-pump, don't get me wrong, but I still have no clue how is it going to work with my daily clothes, as they're pretty tight with no pockets or bulky parts to hide the pump (believe I had a week practice with the sensor even though it's a little bit bigger), and yes, yes, I know, I can wear it with the pride outside my clothes, but seriously, how do you think a bright blue medical equipment would look on an elegant work suit? Girls out there, please help if you have any wisdom and advice to share on the issue. And I've chosen the perfect time of the year to go on a pump with the summer approaching.

On the other news, I got a new hair-cut, which I'm pretty happy with.



And our baby-kitten is growing into a handsome cat.