Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Finaly there is a glamse of light at the end of the tunnel! 5.5 this morning and going steady so far. Yey!!!

Monday, November 27, 2006

D-lovely :) or I'm going crazy

I can't decide what time is it. Is it time to get freaked out or frustrated or scarred? Or all together, which I really am. It's been a little over 3 weeks that I can't get my BG back to normal no matter what I do. It's been a roller-coaster for far too long (even though I can ride those things for ages, the real ones, but this one making me sick and exhausted, both physically and emotionally). From 3 to 20 and then back 3.5 and back up to 18. I don't even feel anymore when it's going down, my body is just in constant shock, it's like sitting in an electric chair having heart and panic attacks at the same time. Who the hell thought that would be a fun ride to create? Well, I definitely didn't buy a ticket for that one. Can I please get out? Please? Is it ever gonna be normal again?

Oh, did I mention the funnest part of it all? Most of the falls are at night at 3 and my loyal alarm clock is at 6 to wake me up for work, you do the math. Typing is like power-lifting. For the rest, what rest? that's the top of my abilities now. I also figured out how dangerous it is driving with such a condition, god damn, how did that truck appeared in front of me or a bike for that matter?

I think I'm already getting used to a constant migraine and feeling like a zombie who was brought back to life against his will, while his body is still half dead. Loved-ones. Hmmm, separate chapter. Let's see, I scrubbed the last crumbs of energy left today to open my eyes, to move one foot than the other, there is no reserves for staying all lovely and smiley, there is no energy to explain why it doesn't feel like I am in the room, there is definitely no energy for explaining what's wrong with me (damn don't they think I would like to be the first to know??? and if I did I would do something about it?????), there is no energy to explain that it's not the lack of sleep that will kill me or their interrupted sleep for that matter. There is no energy full stop. There is anger. There is frustration. There is fear. There is that everlasting question "why". There is self-pity. And there is definitely loneliness. But there is no energy.

Friday, November 24, 2006

A bit more about me

I've just started this blog today so would like to say hello to everyone who happened to view this page and welcome to do it more often. I will try to update it as much as possible.

The idea behind starting this blog was the ability to share with people who can really understand and relate to the daily adventures of a life with diabetes, type 1. I have had type 1 since I was 9, so I pretty much don't remember what it's like to live without diabetes and not start your day with measuring your BG, that tiny number on a little screen that can set your mood for the whole day ahead. I can't imagine actually what it's like to live without a diabetes, but I definitely know what it's like to live with one. I have a positive view on it and consider it more as a lifestyle than an illness, but oh boy, what a tough life it is to live. And even though I made my peace with it, the question: "why me?" is permanently tattooed inside my head.

Sometimes the will is so strong to give up and sometimes it seems like nothing and that I can conquer mountains. But I do wish there were possibilities of vacations or at least of days off, hell, a coffee-break would be nice. No one applies for this job, at least I didn't. It's definitely not something I would wish for, but the truth is diabetes is so much a part of me, a part of who I am, that if it was suddenly gone, i would actually miss it. That strict self-discipline, that on-going project, continuous challenges, the enormous satisfaction of each winning and achievement. I might complain sometimes, ok, may be even more often, but I like handling it, the best I can of course.

Ok, so this was more about my diabetes, rather than about me, so here a bit about me.

I left home when I was 16, so right after I finished high-school. No not left in terms of moved to a student dorm a couple of blocks away from home, no I moved countries. I was born and lived the first 16 years of my life in Siberia and I moved to Europe to get the university education there. Since then, I've been living in 4 different countries over the last 7 years, graduated with a diploma in Marketing, have done various internships and now am enjoying my first job for almost a year. I finally settled down in the Netherlands and am busy now with building up my life here. I enjoy many things in life and try to enjoy each day as the last. I have many dreams and ambitions. I like to explore and learn new things. I loooove reading. What else? Well many things, but I will bore you with them later on.

Bull's Eye

it's like a game. see if you can get the high scores, only instead of aiming at high scores you have to score low but at the same time not too low, like throwing exactly in the bull's eye. and don't we all know how difficult it is. and it rather happens by long tedious practice or by accident, which is more annoying is yet a question to be answered. but if you do manage to get the bull eye, the amount of satisfaction and happiness it brings is worth the effort of trying.