I was making some pictures of the marvelous white icy trees outside our home window, a present of the Christmasy weather we have been enjoying in the Hague. And then I realized I have some more pictures made earlier this year of the exact same trees. Isn't nature amazing?
Friday, December 21, 2007
I was making some pictures of the marvelous white icy trees outside our home window, a present of the Christmasy weather we have been enjoying in the Hague. And then I realized I have some more pictures made earlier this year of the exact same trees. Isn't nature amazing?
Saturday, December 8, 2007
... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, beep ... 16.7 ... deep sigh ... "well at least it's stable" I hear my boyfriend saying picking over my shoulder, an attempt for a joke I guess.
Posted by Sasha at 10:14 PM
Monday, November 26, 2007
" ... and the award for the best low treatment goes to ... Please welcome the brightest, the fastest, the tastiest and simply the best - Skittles!!!" (applause growing into a standing ovation)
I do realize I've dedicated a whole post to a low treatment, not mentioning a free advertisement for the Skittles, but it is an important topic, at least in my diabetic world.
What are your favourite treatments?
Posted by Sasha at 2:26 PM
Saturday, November 24, 2007
This link below is to the most hilarious video with kittens I've seen in years!!! Watch it, you won't regret it!
Посмотреть ролик <--- the link (in case Russian is confusing :) )
The author of the video is Tatyana, the owner of GREGORI al GATO, where we've got our cutie pie.
Posted by Sasha at 1:49 PM
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I'm not a random person at all. Nothing that I do is random, although things do happen to me randomly. And 7 is my favourite number.
When I was a kid I wanted to work for Disney as a cartoonist or to be an archeologist. I'm a project buyer now, so go figure.
I microwave ice cream.
Friday 13th is a very lucky day for me.
I still want to work for Disney.
Through my life I lived in 4 different countries and visited over 15 different countries.
I was born on 17th, my first blood glucose test result was 17 and next May it's going to be 17 years of me living with diabetes.
I tag anyone who has 7 random things to share.
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.
Posted by Sasha at 6:07 PM
Thursday, November 1, 2007
First thing my cat does when I come home is running to the kitchen sink indicating he wants me to open the water. He's nuts about it. He drinks, he plays, he washes his paws, he puts his head under, he splashes and catches, he bites the water or he tries ... and so on and so on until he is totally wet and I have to dry him with a towel.
Posted by Sasha at 3:57 PM
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Oh boy, oh boy!!! I promise myself every day, correction: almost every day, I'm going to write something here and then ... no I don't find something more interesting to do, but that tricky feeling of laziness finds me and I leave it till next day again or better till Monday. FYI: I still read all my favourite blogs. You know who you are. If you don't, please feel free to march straight to the comments section and demand an explanation from me on how come you missed that memo.
Oh dear heavens, it's been buuuusy lately!!! A trip to France, new job, building up hours at work, still figuring out the pump (most of the time it's figuring out how to make it cooperate with the outfit I'm wearing, similar to Kerri's dilemma, which indeed usually ends with changing into something else), juggling numerous friends staying over on weekends, congratulating other numerous friends with their new borns, and reading the last Harry Potter book, boy that book sucks!
Dear HP friends, please don't be offended, I'm a big fan myself but I can't help it, I tried and I tried and I tried some more but I can't make myself like the last book. I'm sorry but if I had a kid under 12, no actually, make it under 32, which would make me a mum with a kid that is older than I am, but anyway, I wouldn't let him/her read it. It's full of violence and anger and violence. I can imagine the author wanted to make the last book phenomenal, but I think she overdid it. At some points it's way too much and on the other hand, sometimes it's plain boring. Sorry to outburst about a HP book, I was just so disappointed. I even switched to a different book in the middle of reading for some positiveness, because I was feeling like HP was putting me into depression.
Did I mention a new job? Ya, I did. Well I didn't switch companies, just switched jobs within the company. I like the company after all more than I thought I did. Although I have been looking for a job somewhere else but that search is stopped now, as I love my new position!!! Now I'm undergoing lots of trainings and my head is exploding from all the new information but I love it. Sorry can't tell you much about it, all the confidentiality agreements, you know. And no, I don't work for FBI.
Hold on a sec, quick bg check. ....... 4.8 , hmmm ... sensing time for a snack approaching.
So about the trip to France. I have turned 25 a couple of weeks ago, yap, big and round 25. Everyone is talking about a quarter of the life, I don't know, feels more like a half. But anyway, somehow I wanted to celebrate it big and fun and away just me and my boyfriend. We didn't had vacation together this summer so a long weekend together sounded very good to both of us. It has been quite busy and stressful lately with all kind of staff and we wanted something fun and far from every day reality. So first to thought came France waltsing in pretty glamorous lights. I mean you think France, you think Paris, you think romantic, right? Plus France for us is perfect, far from home and at the same time not far to drive (5 hours). Perfect! Then I thought why not add to it a bit of fun and go to Disneyland and voila, we have our perfect relaxing romantic fun detoxing weekend.
We had such a great time! It was amazing! All that time together and in the perfect location for celebrating birthdays. Mmmm ... :) We didn't want to leave. Just look at our happy faces ...
Oh and I tried on every hat and ears they were selling in Disney shops, and cuddle almost every toy, so much fun!!! I'm such a childSo wonderful trip, new exciting job, terrific boyfriend, I love you honey! So far I like the start of my second quarter, of the year number 26.
Posted by Sasha at 2:02 PM
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Was it really a month? A month or a little over a month since I've written here? Oh well, time flies, especially if it's summer time. Lots have happened over such a short period of time that I found it difficult to choose the subject to write about and was postponing my comeback to the blog world :)
From the pleasant days of last month:
My sister came to visit and we spent a wonderful week together in the Hague and another even more marvelous week in Spain enjoying the sun and the sea. almost purring from pleasure spending whole time on the beach. Doing nothing but swimming, laying on the beach, reading, walking, eating, drinking sangria and basically relaxing reflected extremely good on my sugars. For the whole trip my insulin daily totals decreased by at least 40%! I felt terrific! Vacation - goooood!!!
I had a couple of my first funny pump related encounters at the airports. In Schiphol at the customs:
-"Could you please remove your cell phone from your jeans pocket?"
-"Sorry, I can't. It's not a cell phone, it's a direct line with my pancreas, it must stay open at all times."
At the Palma airport in Spain after beeping at the metal detector.
-"Could you please step over here?" a guy with a hand metal detecting thingy ready to make an extra check and then spotting a clip on my jeans pocket reading "Medtronic MiniMed" (I wear my pump inside the pocket so only the clip is visible). The guard's next question:
-"Yes" The guard gesturing me to go further without checking me:
-"You can go."
I was a bit surprised at such a knowledgeable reaction after countless times explaining to many people that what I have clipped to my pocket is not a mobile or an mp3.
I'm learning more and more about the pump and it's going really good with it. I love my little blue gadget more and more every day. I've just started to get to know the amazing bolus wizard and there's still some negotiations needed in order to convince it to cooperate but apparently life can be so much easier.
From the not so pleasant days of last month:
My vision suddenly decreased enormously without any obvious reason. One day I just started to see less and less and at some point wasn't even able to read anything from anywhere unless the letters were the size of the billboards' ones.
I've had the retinopathy for the last 2 years already (I totally don't believe those people who say they have diabetes for over 30 years and no complications; they should recheck if they have diabetes in the first place). But so far it was not major and some laser treatment twice a year was doing the trick.
But apparently besides the diabetes I have some other factors effecting my vision (I'm not going to bore you with medical details), which in combination with the diabetes make a deadly serious partnership making me see only 20% with my left eye and 40% with my right eye, which is 50% in total against all the mathematical laws.
That would be half the tragedy for a person without diabetes as there is a surgery available for such a condition, which might help to improve the vision by about 30% but, and of course there is a but, the surgery is not allowed for people with diabetes on account that there is a chance of complete blindness. Is this nightmare ever going to end?
I can't help but think if I'm only 25 now, what's going to be when I'm 35? 45? 55? am I even going to live till then?
Sorry to be coming back with rather negative thoughts, although they are not negative at all, it's only human to be scared, right?
Posted by Sasha at 12:25 PM
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I've been on the pump for almost 3 weeks now. I'm loving it! Where have I been before? Oh, ya, right, I was fighting my doctors to allow me to go on the pump, which took 7 months. But nevertheless, I'm on, I'm happy, I never felt more free with diabetes in my life.
without my pump crushing any lines or the color theme, I'm happy!
However, there was one thing that was of a big surprise and confusion. One of the reasons for me to switch to the pump was my so annoying dawn syndrome. So I was all prepared and ready to set an extra heavy basal rate for the night time, instead I found out that even the day time rate was too much. My dawn syndrome turned into waking-up-low-every-morning syndrome. I wake up with the sugar of 3 (54)! How did that happen? Have any of you experienced anything similar? I'm guessing Lantus really didn't do much for me.
Posted by Sasha at 9:25 AM
Saturday, June 23, 2007
And I'm off the CGM. Why? I'm afraid to disappoint you Scott but instead of helping me it was confusing me like crazy. I asked many people for advice and I heard from people who are using it more than once that it's all more about the patterns rather than exact numbers, but still somehow my CGM wasn't even catching the patterns correctly most of the time. I just found myself not trusting it even when it was right. And the funny thing I was actually testing more often with the CGM than without it.
And the patterns, well yes sometimes they do indicate the true situation, but I had times when it said I was going high when in reality I was going low. So as I said, I had difficulties trusting that thing.
On the more positive and fun note, I got totally jealous of Caro (wait, it'll get positive, I promise) of her groovy site look that I ordered some groovy patches as well. I'm loving them!
Posted by Sasha at 2:54 PM
Friday, June 22, 2007
Had 3 lows over the past 10 hours, THREE. over the past TEN hours. Needless to say I'm falling from exhaustion. Oh, and did I mention I'm using an CGM sensor for the last two days that suppose to alarm me if I go high or low? Well, it did, yah, when I was already 2.5 (45) and treating the low.
- "Beeep" reads: "I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but your blood glucose is low", just kidding, "LOW 4.9 (88)"
- "You don't say. Thank you very much, but I'm 2.5 (45) actualy and I've already taken my juice like 10 minutes ago. Where have YOU been?".
In 15 minutes:
- "Beeep" "LOW 4.6 (82)".
- "Well, you know I am indeed 4.6 (82), but that's actually good, that means my sugars are climbing up, the juice is working."
In 10 minutes:
- "Beeep" "LOW 4.8 (86)"
- "Well, just @#$%, will you!"
- "I'll try my best" - just kidding again.
Posted by Sasha at 6:27 AM
Saturday, June 16, 2007
So after changing 3 bad sites in less than 24 hours it became clear that silhouette sets, which my diabetic nurse made me swear I'm going to use, don't cut it for me. After burning pains, bleeding, and sugars of 15 setting their roots what seemed permanently in my daily life I tried the quick set and bam! sugars are back to the 6-land, my stomach doesn't feel like there were hot nails planted into it and I don't want to torn violently the sets out of my body. Those silhouette sets really sucked for me and spoiled the first days of experience with the pump. But now it works perfectly, clean site feeling as it belongs there naturally.
Besides fighting bad sites in the weekend we also had my boyfriend's parents over for a couple of days. We talked a lot, we drove a lot, we saw a lot and I have to admit drank some bit a lot as well. We've been to a very pretty Delft but forgot a camera, been to the SeaLife in Scheveningen, saw Dorry there from "Finding Nemo" and some other awesome sea creatures that made me yet again admire the big artist called nature.
Posted by Sasha at 6:04 PM
Monday, June 11, 2007
Posted by Sasha at 8:04 AM
Friday, June 8, 2007
If I urged anyone by the previous post to reach for the phone and call the mental house, you can postpone the restraining jacket just for now, I'm much better now :) Needed to let some steam out. Now can breathe again, though not really, it's very warm outside and no air movement.
I have not seen my sugars today lower than 14, yes fourteen! taking more and more insulin with every hour, hardly ate any carbs today but the stubborn meter shows the same numbers and my throat desperately demanding water all the time.
It's only TWO days left till the pump!!! How happy am I? I don't expect miracles but it definitely can't get any worse. Oh, no more shots on almost every 2 hours basis (yes, it's been that bad for me lately), no more alarm at 3 at night for testing and taking insulin, no more trips to the ladies' at work for injections, no more "can anyone remember if I took my Lantus?", just no more.
Though there will be: oh dear summer clothes, where can I stick my pump on you? how the hell don't I get suffocated by all the tubing at night? what do I tell people when I suddenly start beeping or vibrating or have to reach under my skirt or in my bra? how not to kill the romance with the whole scene of equipment sticking out and hanging on me? does the color of the shoes suppose to match the color of the pump? - ok, that one is a joke but I'm totally serious about all the previous questions.
Oh and this I totally stole from Allison:
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Are my eyes open because I don't see much. When eyes open: ha, not so bad.
2. How much cash do you have on you? ehm, no idea, some, enough for lunch and parking.
3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? Something dirty came to mind and not entirely appropriate, so I'll go with floor.
4. Favorite planet? Well, Earth, I live here, it's pretty cool.
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Unknown. That unknown has been calling for the whole day like 20 times in total, and whenever I pick up, he or she just hangs up.
6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Changes all the time. Currently I have a song by Ashley Simpson "L.O.V.E."
7. What shirt are you wearing? It's a cute black summer top.
8. Do you label yourself? No.
9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing: Zara. ok, don't laugh, I usually have more expensive shoes on my feet, but these particular ones are so cute and comfortable. They're summer shoes, checked of black, beige and a bit golden colors with two cute black ribbons.
10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright, full of sunshine.
11. Why is there always a missing question? Why is there always a missing answer?
12. What does your watch look like? It's a black, round, rather big one from Guess with lots of bling-bling all around.
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching the first dream.
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "Ha, ha! See you soon. Love you! xxx"
15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I don't think they exist in the Netherlands, so I'm guessing the nearest is going to be in England.
16. What's a word that you say a lot? For instance - that's two, but I say that a lot, people even make fun of it.
17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My boyfriend this morning before leaving for work.
18. Last furry thing you touched? Sema, my cat, the furriest :)
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Let's see, insulin obviously and some stuff for the killing headache.
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? who develops film?
21. Favorite age you have been so far? from 4 (earliest I can remember) till 9 (at 9 I got diagnosed) and from 20 up till now has been almost perfect with the huge exception of 22 - confusing?
22. Your worst enemy? Myself
23. What is your current desktop picture? A funny one of me and my cat.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Stop putting your tail in my coke." to my cat, who did you think?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be? Million, I'm afraid of heights.
26. Do you like someone? Many people. As a particular someone? Yes, my boyfriend, which is lucky considering that he and I live together ;)
27. The last song you listened to? One by Glukoza
28. What time of day were you born? Somewhere around 11pm on Friday may I add.
29. What's your favorite number? 7, also 17 as it is a lucky one for me.
30. Where did you live in 1987? I was 5, so a safe answer would be with my parents :) in Surgut, that's in Siberia in Russia.
31. Are you jealous of anyone? Healthy people.
32. Is anyone jealous of you? I wish not but I know for sure some are.
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Just started university, one of the first days after classes, all of us saw the terrible news on one of the TVs in the hall of the uni.
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Give them some more - pathetic, I know.
35. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes I do.
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Never wanted one, so can't tell.
37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Dutch would be nice, as I live in the Netherlands, also French and German, they are just convenient to know for work.
38. Would you move for the person you loved? I did, although I rather stayed than moved, and he did as well, so it was a compromise, but yes I would.
39. Are you touchy-feely? Only with my boyfriend for the rest quite opposite. Shocks me every time when a stranger touches my arm or my back.
40. What's your life motto? Live. And I mean live and not exist, live as being happy, learning, enjoying, feeling, experiencing, finding one self. For the rest: "everything is possible if you really want something", "be true to yourself" and "find what you want, otherwise you're forced to like what you don't want".
41. Name three things you have on you at all times: At all times is not possible, but most of the times on me - clothes, my rings and earrings, with me - insulin, meter and phone.
42. What's your favorite town/city? I love Moscow, Paris, Prague and of course The Hague, as I live here.
43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? My lunch at work.
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Oh my, years and years ago, back in high school I think to my best friend who moved to England for studying.
45. Can you change the oil on a car? Oil, no, putting petrol in is as far as I go.
46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? He's at work, very busy, going to be home around 7. I never loved before my current boyfriend appeared in the picture, as for the crushes, back at high school, the only thing I know is that he turned into a very nasty person over the years.
47. How far back do you know your ancestry? Not far, not further than great-great-grandmothers.
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? Probably last New Year's. It's a family tradition always to dress fancy for the new years. A skirt with roses pattern and a black top, I also had a matching jacket for the skirt but it was too warm. But than again I dress quite fancy for work on a daily basis, same skirts and dresses.
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? One of my feet, I have been sitting on it for the last hour.
50. Have you ever been burned by love? Who hasn't?
51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? I'm not gonna tell :)
52. Where would you like to live? Same place as I live now, but I'd love my family to live a bit closer.
Posted by Sasha at 10:30 AM
Monday, June 4, 2007
Have you ever got a feeling of a desperate need of being someone else for a while? To be a complete different person, with a totally different appearance and different perception of life? I have a sort of crazy feeling like this at the moment. I have this awful itching craving to get out of my own skin; my body has not been kind to me lately and I just so want to feel what it's like to be inside a healthy one. You know what they say: "healthy spirit in a healthy body". I think it's starting to get too much on my spirits. Or may be it's the other way around, my mind got polluted and it's effecting my body?
Either way I feel like I'm going crazy and don't recognize myself anymore. May be that's where the need to get out is coming from. The constant wish to run. I feel rather like screaming or hiding, or both at the same time. I don't know what's going on but one thing is definite - I don't like it. Am I having some kind of middle life crisis? Is it what a menopause feels like? Are these the symptoms of a splitting personality? Ok, first two are a bit a stretch considering I'm only 24 but the last one might be an option.
I'm pulled and pushed in so many directions, but none of them does even come close to matching the point on the life map that reads "Me". I am having a middle life crisis, but than again with having diabetes may be 24 is the middle of life - sorry, dark humor, I'm not in the sunniest of moods.
Sorry, I didn't mean to burst out like this, especially when I'm not sure what I'm bursting out about. Am I angry? am I tired? am I fed up? but than with what? I'm too exhausted to figure it out. That's the thing - I don't want to think anymore about anything, as thoughts are driving me crazy, they're making my brains boil.
Posted by Sasha at 10:52 AM
Saturday, June 2, 2007
We have officially moved! As a virgin owner of a home I have to say it's overwhelming and one of the best feelings. For the last week (has it been a week already?) I have been reluctant to move further than couple of meters from the apartment, I have a separation anxiety and still enjoying and absorbing every little detail about it. Home sweet home.
Of course it's still in progress and I have strong suspicions it will remain this way for the rest of the year. We're still waiting for some furniture to arrive, which is the reason why I'm cramped on the floor right now with a laptop and can't feel one of my feet. There are still empty spaces, boxes yet to be unpacked, missing lights and stuff like laundry baskets or our names on the door, but despite all that, it's amazing and I'm so so happy we finally moved!
In the other exciting news - I finally convinced my doctors or there was a full moon last week or something in the water, whatever is the reason I'm now officially cleared for starting on the pump. Oh my, did that take energy to arrange! So the historical date - June 11, which is probably going to be marked in my calendar from now on as a significant day of achievement by my stubbornness. So it's really going to happen now. I already ordered all the supplies, my diabetic nurse insists I use silhuete sets and not the quick sets, which I would prefer, but at this point I don't care, just plug me in, please!
Posted by Sasha at 10:05 AM
Saturday, May 19, 2007
It's finally here! Well actually they are finally here! Both a pump AND a sensor!!! Big grin on my face :) I've already lost hope but got the sensor after all. Don't ask me how, it took looots of effort and time. But it is here! Even though it's a bulky old version and not a new cool tiny equivalent, I'm very very happy nonetheless :)
So they want to do loooots of investigations to find out where exactly. Cool. Good luck with that. Wait, the funny part is the investigations are, of course, scheduled over the next half a year at least. Don't they think I'll bleed to death by that time? that of course if I'm bleeding in the first place. Well, I'm a bit frustrated about the whole situation. It seems like they don't want to solve the immediate problem of my high sugars but invent things that are not even there. Oh and by the way, my iron has been low since I was a child.
Posted by Sasha at 2:39 PM
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Posted by Sasha at 1:38 PM
Thursday, April 19, 2007
As I mentioned in my previous blog my mom came to visit for a week. We got so lucky with the weather, the whole week was really warm and sunny and NO rain. There's probably just one such week in a whole year and we caught it! So we took advantage of such a miracle and went to whole lot of cool places around the Netherlands and even Belgium. (Chrissie, I loved it there, especially the architecture and amazing shops!)
We visited Antwerpen.
Me and Klaas, my honey.
Me and my mom
We went to Keukenhof full of colors and the most amazing tulips and flower carpets.
We even have been to the beach it was so warm (by the way it's not us on the sun beds, it was warm but not that warm).
Enjoyed the park ...
... and many more. We enjoyed it a lot! Everything looks prettier in the bright spring sun :)
Posted by Sasha at 3:35 PM
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Oh, where do I even start? Life is rushing despite of all my doctors' strict prescriptions of slowing down, apparently, according to them, my diabetes can't catch up with me and that is why it has been behaving so out-of-hand badly. I've spent almost the whole March at home, again according to my doctor's advice, and yesterday was my first day back to work, although I'm starting part-time and boy do I love it. Yesterday was also another milestone - I finally told people in the office about my diabetes (well I had to explain why I went missing for a month). It wasn't that big a deal at all.
Next Monday my mom is coming to visit for a week!!! Yey!!! I'm so excited, I can't wait to show her everything around here, she hasn't been to The Hague since we moved here. I think she'll like it here. God knows I love this city, not all parts though.
About two weeks ago, my diabetes nurse put me on a Minimed sensor to see if there is a pattern in my overall horrible blood glucose results. And what do you know, there is. I knew it before, I keep very detailed recordings of everyday blood sugars and insulin and food consumption, but it was nice to be proven right by a machine. And the pattern is ... apparently from about 4 a.m. and on my blood sugar rises with the speed of sound without me doing nothing but sleeping. It could go from 6 up till 20 in a matter of couple of hours, well and you can imagine waking up with such a number how the day starts and how difficult to bring it back without diving into a low. So that was my daily roller-coaster ride for over 3 months now.
The only solution in sight was and is a pump, which was ordered last week and now in about 4 to 8 weeks I'll finally catch up with the rest of the world in terms of actually using the benefits of technology developments. I'm very much pro-pump, don't get me wrong, but I still have no clue how is it going to work with my daily clothes, as they're pretty tight with no pockets or bulky parts to hide the pump (believe I had a week practice with the sensor even though it's a little bit bigger), and yes, yes, I know, I can wear it with the pride outside my clothes, but seriously, how do you think a bright blue medical equipment would look on an elegant work suit? Girls out there, please help if you have any wisdom and advice to share on the issue. And I've chosen the perfect time of the year to go on a pump with the summer approaching.
On the other news, I got a new hair-cut, which I'm pretty happy with.
And our baby-kitten is growing into a handsome cat.
Posted by Sasha at 6:15 AM
Friday, March 16, 2007
Oh my! I was trying to get on blogger for a week, the posting thing didn't work. There's been quite a lot happening lately, where do I even start?
I have been having so far-out-of-the-normal blood glucose results lately, mostly highs, so high that I need binoculars to see them, and by lately I mean 3 months easy, I can't remember anymore what it's like to be in a normal range and don't feel like total crap all of the time. I've been so exhausted physically and mentally that taking a shower in the morning pretty much exceeds all my energy for the whole day. All is the result of a little bugging phenomena that tends to accumulate and grow in a huge snow ball called stress, none of the doctors I've seen can find any other reason for me feeling like I died yesterday but was not sent the memo. They are all bombarding me with "you have to relax", "take it easy", "rest", "think less" and so on - I'd gladly follow all the advice if only it was that easy.
Well, for the start I'm taking time from work and just trying to rest. A week at home is already helping - almost no headaches and bg slowly climbing down. Apparently, as a diabetic psychiatrist has told me (yes, I'm even seeing one of those now), I'm rushing to live (well can you blame me for that?) and rushing through life to fast for my diabetes to catch up. When I told my endo that I feel like my diabetes is screaming at me to slow down and give some attention to myself, his reaction was "well, someone should". So I'm taking rest, I'm paying attention to myself, I've hit the breaks and now have to learn to relax and think less, huh! good luck with that. When I told my boyfriend the doctor officially announced I'm having a burn-out, he laughed, well I'm still laughing myself, through tears. I'm only 24 for God's sake!
P.S. - my new endo is absolutely great!
Posted by Sasha at 9:02 AM
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I got the idea from Allison. It's truly scary how picking one out of nine images can give such an accurate description of you.
|The Part of You That No One Sees|
You are wise, insightful, and brilliant.
Your wit is sharp and occasionally hurtful...
Revealing your scorn for people with less intelligence.
Underneath it all, you feel burdened by the stupidity of humanity.
You know what's right in the world, but it's overshadowed by everything that's wrong.
People see you as arrogant. While this is partially true, you are also very sensitive.
Posted by Sasha at 1:42 PM
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
I was in the range of 13 the whole day yesterday. My b.g. was just in love with that number and refused to move from it more than a point either way. But, of course, just before falling asleep I felt a bit funny, a very little tiny bit (I learned to listen to my body extra carefully over the last month with all the outrageous jumps and falls). I tested just an hour before bed 10.5 – a more than definite secure number before bed to avoid a low at night. It couldn’t have gone too much up but ok, just to calm myself down, a quick test.
Lights on. Sit up. Take the test kit. The cat is awake and checking if I’m testing correctly. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, beep – huh? 3.4 – how did that happen? And a low?
- “How much is it?”
- “But I’ve already brushed my teeth! Grrr …”
- “So what’s now? You have to eat something?”
- “But I don’t want to eat. (another grump)”
- “But you have to. Take some glucose tablets; they are in the bedside table’s draw.”
- “They make me nauseous … I can have juice”
With a big sigh got out of bed, cat following. A trip to the kitchen. Starting to feel the low. Glass. Fridge. Cranberry juice (tastes awful in a combination with “Aquafresh” aftertaste still in my mouth). Sigh. Kitchen lights off. Back to the bedroom, cat running after me (he checks every step I take).
Back in bed I’m greeted by a big hug and a deep sigh (not mine this time).
- “It’s not fair! Now I feel sick and blown up and my heart is racing.”
- “I know. It could be worse.”
- “It could be better.”
- “I know (sigh).”
- “It’s going to be high in the morning.”
- (hug tightened)
Well, it could have been worse. I could have fallen asleep without realizing something was wrong, and then wake up (hopefully) with a much lower number. I’m such a complainer when I’m low.
Posted by Sasha at 10:06 AM
Monday, March 5, 2007
I am out at the moment of things to write or news to report, so here it goes, a meme, a first one for me.Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Be happy (in the middle of that project :) )
2. Write and publish a book (if I ever settle on a subject; there are bits and pieces laying all over the house)
3. Read at least another 1,000 books (I have a huge wish list but what I should actually wish for is time to read them all)
4. Get a dream job (Oh, boy, isn't that a big one)
5. Have a child (or two, depends ... )
6. Travel to Singapore, New Zealand, Japan ... the list goes on and on ...
7. Achieve something in life so I can die peacefully knowing I didn't waste it
Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Be one of many in the crowd
2. Live in utopia
4. Sit still
5. Do nothing
7. Don't care
Seven Things That Attract Me To People In General:
3. Good sense of humor
6. Strengths (mental)
Seven Things I Say:
1. "Honey ... "
3. "I love you"
4. "How many carbs is in that?"
6. "I need insulin"
7. "I'm tired" - sadly it's been one of the most used phrases lately
Seven Books That I Love (seriously? just seven?):
1. Almost every book by Haruki Murakami (he's simply a genius; if you can read between the lines, you'll discover 10 books in one at lest)
2. "Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov (every book of his is a masterpiece, but this one I love the most)
3. All by Capote
4. "Love Story" by Segal (makes me laugh and cry every time)
5. "Three Comrades" by Remarque (also "Arch of Triumph" and "Heaven Has No Favourites")
6. "The Forsyte Saga" by Galsworthy
7. "Fingersmith" by Sarah Waters
Seven Movies That I Love (again, seriously? just seven?):
1. "Frida" (she's on my list of most fascinating people dead or alive and the movie is made so nicely)
2. "You Got Mail" (a very feel-good movie)
3. "Love Actually" (one of my most favourite pick-me-up movies)
4. "Holiday" (another Christmassy-feel-good movie)
5. "Bobby" (a really good movie touching many topics of human nature - I like movies that make me think for days)
6. "Babel" (another good movie about human nature and to what an extreme loneliness can push a person)
7. All Harry Potter movies (a child in me)
Seven People To Tag (in no particular order):
Anyone who wants to make "sevens" of things :)
Posted by Sasha at 11:09 AM
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I think I’ve got it. Despite a low at night it's been 7.3 and 7.4 and 5.9 and so on yesterday. But now as it always happens after a long period in the no-clue-land-of-extreme-blood-glucose-numbers, when I’m finally back to the sunny side of one digit numbers, I’m so scared to do something wrong, even a tiny little thing that will send me back into the gloomy scary place. And I think being worried doesn’t actually help the situation, as it has been proven soooo many times that me worrying results in such a bg jump, which Pluschenko can only dream about. So breathe in, breathe out, relax and let it flow, I guess.
Posted by Sasha at 1:45 PM
Posted by Sasha at 9:31 AM
Monday, February 26, 2007
Despite the promises of regular postings I've disappeared yet again for all the valid reasons of course but that's not an excuse. So time for an update, even if it is rather modest and bulleted.
- I've traded Humalog for NovoRapid, as Humalog hurt a lot when injected. NovoRapid doesn't hurt and I LOVE the pen it comes with!!!! Though still haven't figured out if it has the same effect on my bg.
- I changed the endo! Yey!!!! for me! As my previous one was a walking anecdote and was only good for writing prescriptions, oh wait, not even for that! every time he wrote a prescription for me the whole drugstore team had to put their heads together to figure out what did he mean by that. I think they put them on a special bulletin board with the title of "The Most Cryptic Prescriptions By The Doctors Who Don't Know A *** " But that's in the past now and I'm looking forward to see my new endo in April, I heard he's great and with a good sense of humor! I'll tell you all about him. Oh by the way, that was the first time I complained in the hospital, but hey if it got me a new doc, why not, may be I should do it more often.
- And actually I did. To my diabetic nurse, who is an angel and a lifesaver when it comes to saving lives. I complained about the horrible Lantus pen, which always leaves me confused and scared whether I got the right dose or not. So she gave me TWO new Opticlicks that work so much better, no fuss with inserting the cartridges at all!!! I'm probably the least updated diabetic there is, right? hence the absence of the pump still. Coming to that now ...
- Pump. I was thinking and planning and making pro - con lists for a while - it's a big decision even if everyone and everything is screaming of it's obvious advantages, it's still quite a change in the daily diabetes regime. So I was finally ready to go ahead with it when my beloved bg's got so out of hand, and here comes a scary part - almost a month ago!!!!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I've been struggling with the most terrifying bg's (up till 20!!!) for almost a month now and let me tell you this - I'm scared. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot!!!!! I have no clue why they are acting so crazy. I've tried everything! and then some more. Yes, I did have some outrageous amounts of stress and not so good news lately, but that seems to come in order now and I can even sleep at nights again, but hey, not so quick, the 14s and 17s keep me awake with a terrible headache and restlessness and make me run to the toilet quite a lot. I seriously don't know what to do anymore and neither does my diabetic team. Any advice? Please!
For the rest, whoooh ... too much negativity on my poor head and way too much life’s unfairness but I’m not going to bother you with it, I can just say it seems to go better now and hopefully very soon it will be all solved out and I’ll be able to tell you good news.
Posted by Sasha at 7:40 AM
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
[. profile . ]
red bull addict
genetically programmed for striving and achieving
believer in myself
confident but insecure at times
[ . i can . ]
drive you crazy
be super sweet
[ . i can't . ]
be one of many in the crowd
live in utopia
Posted by Sasha at 1:16 PM
I like lists. Correction - I looove lists!!! I love them so much I have lists of lists sometimes. I think lists if not a great organisational tool than at least a wonderful tool to trick yourself that everything is organised and nothing forgotten, so you can peacefully go to sleep at night without frantically making the lists of things to do in your head trying to remember if you missed something. It's a great thing to make your life easier.
Post-its are another amazing invention. Putting small notes around the house or at work - precious, should remember though not to carry away to avoid the Bruce Almighty situation. All in all it gives me a relax feeling to know that I have a precise list of appointments for this week in my diary or a detailed list of clothes to take on a weekend trip, otherwise I'd spend hours on thinking what to wear (girls out there I'm sure can relate) or a grocery list so I won't forget some of the essential ingredients for the dinner in my after-work-tired-brain-stand-by state. So I'm the biggest fan!
Crossing everything off, well, realistically happened once or twice, so I give myself a fair margin to not get stressed when I never manage to cross out all the items. I usually end up transferring the left-overs to the yet another list to give them another chance, and if they are not crossed out again, may be they weren't that important in the first place.
Therefore, I have lots of lists and notebooks full of lists laying around and I thought it might be funny sharing them here on the blog from time to time. But don't worry, I'm not going to bother you with groceries or bills-to-pay lists. This is about all the other lists I like to make at different points of my life, like aliens I'd like to meet, or awards I'd like to win or 100 silly phrases I want to learn in Japanese etc.
Posted by Sasha at 10:28 AM
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
I know it has been a while since my last post, I have disappeared without a warning from my otherwise pretty regularly updated blog, but it's been busy.
Busy at work, and reading those 3 words I still don't believe I actually typed them ,as my work and busy just don't normally go together.
It's been busy trying to crawl out of a black whole, which is quite difficult when you don't know where the whole actually begins or ends. It was a tough beginning of the year for me for many reasons I'm not going to bore you with, most of them didn't go away, but at least I changed my attitude and now February is so much better with me feeling happy again. It was very hard to find energy again, to find the will to fight and even hope seemed to vanish, which is in my opinion the last to go.
But I'm better now and planning to stay this way, and also write more often again.
Posted by Sasha at 3:24 PM