Monday, January 22, 2007

Happy flies hunting

What is determining the good mood? Actually so little is needed to push you from the sunny smiley state of mind into a rainy grumpy miserable disaster, which seems to stick to you like super-glue and refuses to be shaken off by any amount of kindness, jokes or good news thrown at you. The line is so thin and easy to cross from sunny to rainy but so damn hard to cross it back. It's like some stubborn little but very annoying creature inside you took to like it on the dark side, in its comfort of shadows and loneliness, where there is no need for excuses for the nastiness and bad temper. It's too hard to be on the sunny side all the time. Ya it's indeed warm and comfy and lots of fun but you're always in the light, there is no shadows or quiet dark corners to hide in when you feel down or not like smiling or just need a break and a quiet peaceful moment to yourself. There's nowhere to hide your weaknesses, they are like in a spotlight - you have to be a Dream-Ville-Hollywood-smile-looking-perfect all the time on the sunny side. It's impossible to be happy and feel good all the time. It's necessary to allow yourself to be sad sometimes and it's not a crime to be tired or upset or disappointed or just feel like crying. Am I making sense?

But what is determining the good mood? Because the good mood is so powerful, it's a shiny shield against all the bad and gray around. It's not going to save you from the blow but at least it will decrease the impact. What I realized is that there are such tiny things, little mundane things that drop by drop fill up the jar, the meter of happiness. A phone conversation with my sister, an email from a friend, a sunny day (they're almost extinct in the Netherlands), the kitten finally eating even if it's a little bit, a favorite song on the radio, and of course, the major, the master, the top mood booster, the one that makes your good mood meter jump up a few extra points, the ultimate for all the diabetics - good blood glucose reading.

Seems easy, huh? to fill your day with those easy good-mood-boosting things to make yourself feel ecstasy-high the whole day? Well, not so easy. The trick is to outbalance all the nasty stinking bad things buzzing towards you, and for each tiny unexpected wasp of good-mood-poison you need at least ten little happy flies. Well my schedule is busy already, no spare time to go hunting for the happy flies. So what's the solution or rather a conclusion? It's to stay open for all the happy flies generously sent to you by the close and love ones in our lives and try to keep your eyes open to find as many as you can yourself, as they are everywhere, you just have to look carefully to spy their tiny little glittering wings and shiny eyes.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


I have a confession to make. I'm absolutely addicted to flickr.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Broken believes are very difficult and close to impossible to fix. A broken branch doesn't grow back to the tree. All that is said afterwards, and it's a lot, would be very comforting and reassuring be my believes in the words still in place, but now they just noise, now they just words on the sand washed off by the waves the minute they've been written down.

You say: "It's not necessary", you say: "You don't want to hurt me", you say ... , you say and that's it. As soon as the words are out, they vanish in the thin air and don't reappear, there's nothing to prove that they were even said. A seed of hope, of believe, of wish to believe, they plant every time, dies almost immediately. Waiting, holding my breath that, yes this is the time, this time you're not just saying, this time you're actually going to try to make it true, and every time bitter disappointment. There is a limit till when I am willing to believe that this time is different. Empty promises, they like soup bubbles, pretty and shiny but burst the second you touch them.

At some point "sorry" also loses its power and meaning. There is only a number of times in a particular length of time that that word works and is actually true.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Isn't he cute?

Isn't he cute?, originally uploaded by sasha_a.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Looking forward to meet you all

Taking a lead from Mel and Penny I'd like to use what's left of the de-lurking week (whoever invented that one) and ask you to leave a comment, if you don't normally do, by simply saying hello, and, if not too much trouble, who you are and if you have a blog. I'd just really like to know who else steps by my blog, be it by interest or by accident, in addition to those who generously and kindly comment on my posts.

Has it started already?

Another year has passed. 2006 is gone, the lovely and live-changing 2006. I gonna miss you. I learned to like you. You were so different and kind and you brought lots of changes to my life, good ones and extremely wonderful ones. Thank you for being such a great year.

Usually on the first days of the year I get this surreal feeling of being in a new unfamiliar place where I've never been before and where I don't know what to expect. It's just an unnoticeable change of a number in the calendar, the matter of just a second when the clock's hand moves just a tiny millimeter and it's a new year. Nothing changes, people are the same, things around are the same but I get this feeling of change, of something very new and unfamiliar in the air. Something very young and still clean with so many opportunities. Excited, with new energy and new ideas and hopes and new determination, eager to get to know the new year, find out what he has under its sleeve - that's the usual feeling on 1st of January.

Usually ... but not this year. Where's that new year energy? Where's that new beginning enthusiasm? Where's the new excitement to test the limits and find new challenges? I feel like an 99 year-old, tired, ignorant and a bit slow. (If any 99 year-olds reading, please don't take offense in the above and congratulations on living for so long). I feel like still dragging in 2006, trying to catch up with a leaving train. The train, that be "2007 Express", somehow managed to depart with my luggage of 2007 resolutions on but leaving me at the station "2006".

Lost luggage: 2007 New Year resolutions - 9 items, total weight = too heavy to lift for an average person:

  1. Get healthier - a huge old yellow suitcase with lots of stamps on it, when you try to roll it it gets stuck all the time on what seems every stone and bump, or even rolls back and falls.

  2. Lower the A1C - a very old squeaky small but very heavy black case with a secret-code lock.

  3. Find a new job, the one I'd really love - a big thick portfolio leaving a trace of pictures and papers falling out.

  4. Write more - a fancy new laptop bag.

  5. Read even more - a very heavy worn brown leather suitcase with a falling off handle.

  6. Spend more time with loved ones - a funny furry pink item with lots of stickers on it, what appears to be a thick photo album.

  7. Visit family more often, meaning more than twice a year - some-time-ago-pink suitcase filled to the top what appears to be various objects of different shapes wrapped in different colors paper with some kind of attempted decorations on top.

  8. At least try to go to the gym or do some kind of sport - a very dusty sport bag, seemed to be lost even before the train.

  9. Find a good hairdresser (a bigger problem than you think) - a very tiny and elegant woman's purse.

    I definitely exceeded the limit of 20kg allowed per person and I know, I know ambitious, but I can't help it. Life is short and all those things are very important to me.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

It's raining cats and dogs outside, plus it's very fogy (I think there's a nature contradiction somewhere in that happening simultaneously). I was looking forward to leaving work earlier today but not so sure anymore. Although if I think about the cat (real one), a kitten really, all alone at home I reconsider the decision of hiding out in the office from the nasty weather.

Monday, January 8, 2007

Some vacation photos

I just wanted to share some of the pictures from our amazing trip to Moscow.

It was so wonderful for me to be home with my family again and be able to spend both Christmas and New Year in such a colorful, warm and full of flavours and so culturally rich country I simply adore. My apologies for such an over-patriotic enthusiasm but it's simply beautiful! Don't you think?

Even on a grey day it still looks amazing!

We walked a lot. Been, of course, to the Red Square, the Kremlin, the Historical Museum, the Old Arbat and the New one, GUM ...

... and to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour ...

Christmas trees were everywhere ...

At home the tree was constantly attacked and inhibited by a suddenly very wild cat ...

On the Christmas Eve we went to a Christmas concert, "Evening with Mozart", which is traditionally organised each year and conducted by a leading Russian conductor and violinist, Vladimir Spivakov, together with the Moscow Virtuosi chamber orchestra.
On the New Year's Eve we went to Evgeni Plushenko's "The New Year's Eve Ice Show". He is a Russian figure skater, the six-time National Champion, five-time European Champion, three-time World Champion, and 2006 Winter Olympics gold medalist, simpler put - a genius on ice and absolutely amazing to watch, both, his serious and comical numbers. Plushenko and many other celebrated figure skaters presented such a brilliant New Year’s Eve Ice show featuring ice and flame, flying and inspiration, grace and beauty, smiles and such a warm feeling! Moreover Edvin Marton was part of the show, accompaning the skaters with his extrodinnary beautiful violin playing (I guess you guessed already, I'm a classical music fan, big time).
The whole trip was very exciting, eventful and full of positive emotions. But the best part was being home and spending time with the family.
Oh, by the way, I just realised this is the first time I show my face on blogger, oh well it's about time ...

Friday, January 5, 2007

very hard post to write and share

Of course there is always tomorrow but life is short, so do your best today - is my motto in life, but it's very difficult for me to stick to it at the moment.

I've been crying a lot lately. And by lately I don't mean a couple of days, more like a couple of months it seems, or even longer. It's a non-stop. Tears appear for no reason and for every reason they can find. At any time of the day, when going to bed, driving to work, putting on make-up in the morning. Crying because I'm hurt, crying because I'm sad, crying because I think I'm alone in terms of no one can really understand what I'm going through, especially the loved ones whom I need the most, and them not getting me makes me cry even more. I want to crawl somewhere far away from everyone and everything and just cry my heart out, just cry and cry until I can't cry no more. Crying because I miss my family. Crying because I miss my culture and country. Crying for not being in the place I want to be. Crying for not doing what I want to do. Crying for not being appreciated. Crying because I'm tired ... tired ... that seems to be the only thought stubbornly reappearing in my mind like an annoying mosquito, buzzing invisibly at my ear. Why am I tired? What am I tired of? Well, here we go again ... of not being appreciated, of the alone feeling even though I'm surrounded by people, of not being able to apply myself in terms of not having a job, which I can jump in head first with all my enthusiasm and grow and develop myself in, tired of constant diabetes struggle (duh, big surprise, nothing new there, it's just usually I'm in better shape and mood to stick to the job, yet another one I didn't ask for or wanted to have). Tired of being strong. But I can't allow myself just to sit and howl, I will only sink deeper and lose it completely. But I also can't do it without help, I so desperately need a strong hand to pull me out, but I don't know how to ask. Asking isn't in my nature, I'm used to do everything myself and work really hard for everything I want to achieve. But my battery is empty and the charger is laying far away to reach.

I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. a stranger is looking back at me with unfamiliar eyes. 'where are you?' - a question to myself, who is for some unknown reason is not there. a substitute is staring ignorantly back in silence. useless. i'm not going to find myself in the mirror. even a reflection of me. lost. yet once again. well you can run but you can't hide, well actually you can hide but you can't run, but you can't hide forever. i'll find you anyway, you are me after all.

Monday, January 1, 2007

Happy New Year!!!

I would like to wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year!

Let the New Year bring you new luck and happiness, new strengths and determination, new lovely discoveries and adventures, many many smiles and sunny days!

Let the New Year be enjoyable! Let all the planned to come through and all the wished to come true!