Monday, November 27, 2006

D-lovely :) or I'm going crazy

I can't decide what time is it. Is it time to get freaked out or frustrated or scarred? Or all together, which I really am. It's been a little over 3 weeks that I can't get my BG back to normal no matter what I do. It's been a roller-coaster for far too long (even though I can ride those things for ages, the real ones, but this one making me sick and exhausted, both physically and emotionally). From 3 to 20 and then back 3.5 and back up to 18. I don't even feel anymore when it's going down, my body is just in constant shock, it's like sitting in an electric chair having heart and panic attacks at the same time. Who the hell thought that would be a fun ride to create? Well, I definitely didn't buy a ticket for that one. Can I please get out? Please? Is it ever gonna be normal again?

Oh, did I mention the funnest part of it all? Most of the falls are at night at 3 and my loyal alarm clock is at 6 to wake me up for work, you do the math. Typing is like power-lifting. For the rest, what rest? that's the top of my abilities now. I also figured out how dangerous it is driving with such a condition, god damn, how did that truck appeared in front of me or a bike for that matter?

I think I'm already getting used to a constant migraine and feeling like a zombie who was brought back to life against his will, while his body is still half dead. Loved-ones. Hmmm, separate chapter. Let's see, I scrubbed the last crumbs of energy left today to open my eyes, to move one foot than the other, there is no reserves for staying all lovely and smiley, there is no energy to explain why it doesn't feel like I am in the room, there is definitely no energy for explaining what's wrong with me (damn don't they think I would like to be the first to know??? and if I did I would do something about it?????), there is no energy to explain that it's not the lack of sleep that will kill me or their interrupted sleep for that matter. There is no energy full stop. There is anger. There is frustration. There is fear. There is that everlasting question "why". There is self-pity. And there is definitely loneliness. But there is no energy.

1 comment:

Scott said...

Hey Sasha,

Finally getting a chance to sit down and read through your latest stuff.

Welcome to the OC, and thanks for sharing your story with us.

I completely understand the lack of energy. It can be so hard to find the energy to simply put one foot in front of the other. So hard.