I smell smoke

Oh my! I was trying to get on blogger for a week, the posting thing didn't work. There's been quite a lot happening lately, where do I even start?

I have been having so far-out-of-the-normal blood glucose results lately, mostly highs, so high that I need binoculars to see them, and by lately I mean 3 months easy, I can't remember anymore what it's like to be in a normal range and don't feel like total crap all of the time. I've been so exhausted physically and mentally that taking a shower in the morning pretty much exceeds all my energy for the whole day. All is the result of a little bugging phenomena that tends to accumulate and grow in a huge snow ball called stress, none of the doctors I've seen can find any other reason for me feeling like I died yesterday but was not sent the memo. They are all bombarding me with "you have to relax", "take it easy", "rest", "think less" and so on - I'd gladly follow all the advice if only it was that easy.

Well, for the start I'm taking time from work and just trying to rest. A week at home is already helping - almost no headaches and bg slowly climbing down. Apparently, as a diabetic psychiatrist has told me (yes, I'm even seeing one of those now), I'm rushing to live (well can you blame me for that?) and rushing through life to fast for my diabetes to catch up. When I told my endo that I feel like my diabetes is screaming at me to slow down and give some attention to myself, his reaction was "well, someone should". So I'm taking rest, I'm paying attention to myself, I've hit the breaks and now have to learn to relax and think less, huh! good luck with that. When I told my boyfriend the doctor officially announced I'm having a burn-out, he laughed, well I'm still laughing myself, through tears. I'm only 24 for God's sake!

P.S. - my new endo is absolutely great!

Right to the last word ...

I got the idea from Allison. It's truly scary how picking one out of nine images can give such an accurate description of you.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are wise, insightful, and brilliant. Your wit is sharp and occasionally hurtful... Revealing your scorn for people with less intelligence. Underneath it all, you feel burdened by the stupidity of humanity. You know what's right in the world, but it's overshadowed by everything that's wrong. People see you as arrogant. While this is partially true, you are also very sensitive.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Could be worse

I was in the range of 13 the whole day yesterday. My b.g. was just in love with that number and refused to move from it more than a point either way. But, of course, just before falling asleep I felt a bit funny, a very little tiny bit (I learned to listen to my body extra carefully over the last month with all the outrageous jumps and falls). I tested just an hour before bed 10.5 – a more than definite secure number before bed to avoid a low at night. It couldn’t have gone too much up but ok, just to calm myself down, a quick test.

Lights on. Sit up. Take the test kit. The cat is awake and checking if I’m testing correctly. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, beep – huh? 3.4 – how did that happen? And a low?

- “How much is it?”
- “3.4”
- “?”
- “But I’ve already brushed my teeth! Grrr …”
- “So what’s now? You have to eat something?”
- “But I don’t want to eat. (another grump)”
- “But you have to. Take some glucose tablets; they are in the bedside table’s draw.”
- “They make me nauseous … I can have juice”

With a big sigh got out of bed, cat following. A trip to the kitchen. Starting to feel the low. Glass. Fridge. Cranberry juice (tastes awful in a combination with “Aquafresh” aftertaste still in my mouth). Sigh. Kitchen lights off. Back to the bedroom, cat running after me (he checks every step I take).

Back in bed I’m greeted by a big hug and a deep sigh (not mine this time).

- “It’s not fair! Now I feel sick and blown up and my heart is racing.”
- “I know. It could be worse.”
- “It could be better.”
- “I know (sigh).”
- “It’s going to be high in the morning.”
- (hug tightened)

Well, it could have been worse. I could have fallen asleep without realizing something was wrong, and then wake up (hopefully) with a much lower number. I’m such a complainer when I’m low.

Seven is actually my favourite number

I am out at the moment of things to write or news to report, so here it goes, a meme, a first one for me.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Be happy (in the middle of that project :) )
2. Write and publish a book (if I ever settle on a subject; there are bits and pieces laying all over the house)
3. Read at least another 1,000 books (I have a huge wish list but what I should actually wish for is time to read them all)
4. Get a dream job (Oh, boy, isn't that a big one)
5. Have a child (or two, depends ... )
6. Travel to Singapore, New Zealand, Japan ... the list goes on and on ...
7. Achieve something in life so I can die peacefully knowing I didn't waste it

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Be one of many in the crowd
2. Live in utopia
3. Pretend
4. Sit still
5. Do nothing
6. Sing
7. Don't care

Seven Things That Attract Me To People In General:
1. Confidence
2. Honesty
3. Good sense of humor
4. Intelligence
5. Loyalty
6. Strengths (mental)
7. Determination

Seven Things I Say:
1. "Honey ... "
2. "Exactly"
3. "I love you"
4. "How many carbs is in that?"
5. "Actually"
6. "I need insulin"
7. "I'm tired" - sadly it's been one of the most used phrases lately

Seven Books That I Love (seriously? just seven?):
1. Almost every book by Haruki Murakami (he's simply a genius; if you can read between the lines, you'll discover 10 books in one at lest)
2. "Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov (every book of his is a masterpiece, but this one I love the most)
3. All by Capote
4. "Love Story" by Segal (makes me laugh and cry every time)
5. "Three Comrades" by Remarque (also "Arch of Triumph" and "Heaven Has No Favourites")
6. "The Forsyte Saga" by Galsworthy
7. "Fingersmith" by Sarah Waters

Seven Movies That I Love (again, seriously? just seven?):
1. "Frida" (she's on my list of most fascinating people dead or alive and the movie is made so nicely)
2. "You Got Mail" (a very feel-good movie)
3. "Love Actually" (one of my most favourite pick-me-up movies)
4. "Holiday" (another Christmassy-feel-good movie)
5. "Bobby" (a really good movie touching many topics of human nature - I like movies that make me think for days)
6. "Babel" (another good movie about human nature and to what an extreme loneliness can push a person)
7. All Harry Potter movies (a child in me)

Seven People To Tag (in no particular order):
Anyone who wants to make "sevens" of things :)