Happy pumping

I've been on the pump for almost 3 weeks now. I'm loving it! Where have I been before? Oh, ya, right, I was fighting my doctors to allow me to go on the pump, which took 7 months. But nevertheless, I'm on, I'm happy, I never felt more free with diabetes in my life.

My sugars calmed down and my insulin intake decreased dramatically. When I just started a reservoir of 1.8 (MiniMed Paradigm 522) lasted me only a couple of days, now I can go on it for four full days, in my diabetes experience that's impressive. It all goes so easily, the set changes, the boluses. I'm still figuring out the clothing part in terms of where to attach the pump and at least hide the tubing. I gave up on hiding the pump itself, it just doesn't work, so I wear it proudly clipped to my jeans pocket most of the time. But if I can still manage to wear this
without my pump crushing any lines or the color theme, I'm happy!

However, there was one thing that was of a big surprise and confusion. One of the reasons for me to switch to the pump was my so annoying dawn syndrome. So I was all prepared and ready to set an extra heavy basal rate for the night time, instead I found out that even the day time rate was too much. My dawn syndrome turned into waking-up-low-every-morning syndrome. I wake up with the sugar of 3 (54)! How did that happen? Have any of you experienced anything similar? I'm guessing Lantus really didn't do much for me.

I lowered my night basal yesterday but still woke up low this morning, so I'm going to lower it even more, we'll see. It's a good feeling though to realize that I need less insulin instead of more.

In the other, non-diabetic, news it's summer time! and my sister, whom I love to pieces, is coming next week to start her summer holidays with me! Yey!!! She just finished her first year at university and is a bit of a greenish color according to my mom, and I've been struggling with my health for almost the whole year, so we are both in desperate need of a good vacation. We'll stay in the Hague for a week and then will go somewhere really warm and do nothing but lay on the beach and drink cocktails the whole day long :) and lots of girl talk of course. I can't wait!

And my dear kitten received so many compliments lately that I thought I'd post another picture of this cute face over here :)

Off the CGM but being groovy :)

And I'm off the CGM. Why? I'm afraid to disappoint you Scott but instead of helping me it was confusing me like crazy. I asked many people for advice and I heard from people who are using it more than once that it's all more about the patterns rather than exact numbers, but still somehow my CGM wasn't even catching the patterns correctly most of the time. I just found myself not trusting it even when it was right. And the funny thing I was actually testing more often with the CGM than without it.

So after careful consideration I took it off this morning, and I have to say, I don't miss it AT ALL. Surprise, surprise. Me who was so eager to test it out gave up on the fourth day of trial. May be I'll try it again in the near future but right now I feel tired just from using it. It was nice to see a graph like this one for instance, but, oh my God, was it a big fat lie! ok, not always but most of the time.

And the patterns, well yes sometimes they do indicate the true situation, but I had times when it said I was going high when in reality I was going low. So as I said, I had difficulties trusting that thing.

On the more positive and fun note, I got totally jealous of Caro (wait, it'll get positive, I promise) of her groovy site look that I ordered some groovy patches as well. I'm loving them!

Tet-a-tet with CGM

Had 3 lows over the past 10 hours, THREE. over the past TEN hours. Needless to say I'm falling from exhaustion. Oh, and did I mention I'm using an CGM sensor for the last two days that suppose to alarm me if I go high or low? Well, it did, yah, when I was already 2.5 (45) and treating the low.

- "Beeep" reads: "I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but your blood glucose is low", just kidding, "LOW 4.9 (88)"
- "You don't say. Thank you very much, but I'm 2.5 (45) actualy and I've already taken my juice like 10 minutes ago. Where have YOU been?".

In 15 minutes:
- "Beeep" "LOW 4.6 (82)".
- "Well, you know I am indeed 4.6 (82), but that's actually good, that means my sugars are climbing up, the juice is working."

In 10 minutes:
- "Beeep" "LOW 4.8 (86)"
- "Well, just @#$%, will you!"
- "I'll try my best" - just kidding again.

Weekend

So after changing 3 bad sites in less than 24 hours it became clear that silhouette sets, which my diabetic nurse made me swear I'm going to use, don't cut it for me. After burning pains, bleeding, and sugars of 15 setting their roots what seemed permanently in my daily life I tried the quick set and bam! sugars are back to the 6-land, my stomach doesn't feel like there were hot nails planted into it and I don't want to torn violently the sets out of my body. Those silhouette sets really sucked for me and spoiled the first days of experience with the pump. But now it works perfectly, clean site feeling as it belongs there naturally.

Besides fighting bad sites in the weekend we also had my boyfriend's parents over for a couple of days. We talked a lot, we drove a lot, we saw a lot and I have to admit drank some bit a lot as well. We've been to a very pretty Delft but forgot a camera, been to the SeaLife in Scheveningen, saw Dorry there from "Finding Nemo" and some other awesome sea creatures that made me yet again admire the big artist called nature.

Our own creature back at home was glued to the bed the whole weekend.

And I'm on

It's official - I'm on the pump. For almost two hours now. Does it feel weird? Not as much as I thought it would. It feels quite comfortable actually once I figured out how to calm down the wild tubing jumping all over the place and how to fix the pump on my clothes so it doesn't push into my side while sitting. But that was the easy part I'm guessing.

I was quite nervous today about the whole thing. It somehow just dawned on me only this morning what a big change it's going to be after 15 years of using the pens. It's such a breaking point in my diabetes history. There have been lots of "last ones" and "first ones" yesterday and today, and there are still so many more "first ones" coming. My first bolus still awaits me. I'm pretty sure I'm going to search for the NovoRapid pen after each meal for a couple of days. The most important is to remove my Lantus pen from my bedstand draw because I might take a shot tomorrow morning just out of habit.

Back to the sanity

If I urged anyone by the previous post to reach for the phone and call the mental house, you can postpone the restraining jacket just for now, I'm much better now :) Needed to let some steam out. Now can breathe again, though not really, it's very warm outside and no air movement.

I have not seen my sugars today lower than 14, yes fourteen! taking more and more insulin with every hour, hardly ate any carbs today but the stubborn meter shows the same numbers and my throat desperately demanding water all the time.

It's only TWO days left till the pump!!! How happy am I? I don't expect miracles but it definitely can't get any worse. Oh, no more shots on almost every 2 hours basis (yes, it's been that bad for me lately), no more alarm at 3 at night for testing and taking insulin, no more trips to the ladies' at work for injections, no more "can anyone remember if I took my Lantus?", just no more.

Though there will be: oh dear summer clothes, where can I stick my pump on you? how the hell don't I get suffocated by all the tubing at night? what do I tell people when I suddenly start beeping or vibrating or have to reach under my skirt or in my bra? how not to kill the romance with the whole scene of equipment sticking out and hanging on me? does the color of the shoes suppose to match the color of the pump? - ok, that one is a joke but I'm totally serious about all the previous questions.

Oh and this I totally stole from Allison:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Are my eyes open because I don't see much. When eyes open: ha, not so bad.

2. How much cash do you have on you? ehm, no idea, some, enough for lunch and parking.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? Something dirty came to mind and not entirely appropriate, so I'll go with floor.

4. Favorite planet? Well, Earth, I live here, it's pretty cool.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Unknown. That unknown has been calling for the whole day like 20 times in total, and whenever I pick up, he or she just hangs up.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Changes all the time. Currently I have a song by Ashley Simpson "L.O.V.E."

7. What shirt are you wearing? It's a cute black summer top.

8. Do you label yourself? No.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing: Zara. ok, don't laugh, I usually have more expensive shoes on my feet, but these particular ones are so cute and comfortable. They're summer shoes, checked of black, beige and a bit golden colors with two cute black ribbons.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright, full of sunshine.

11. Why is there always a missing question? Why is there always a missing answer?

12. What does your watch look like? It's a black, round, rather big one from Guess with lots of bling-bling all around.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching the first dream.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "Ha, ha! See you soon. Love you! xxx"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I don't think they exist in the Netherlands, so I'm guessing the nearest is going to be in England.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? For instance - that's two, but I say that a lot, people even make fun of it.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My boyfriend this morning before leaving for work.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Sema, my cat, the furriest :)

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Let's see, insulin obviously and some stuff for the killing headache.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? who develops film?

21. Favorite age you have been so far? from 4 (earliest I can remember) till 9 (at 9 I got diagnosed) and from 20 up till now has been almost perfect with the huge exception of 22 - confusing?

22. Your worst enemy? Myself

23. What is your current desktop picture? A funny one of me and my cat.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Stop putting your tail in my coke." to my cat, who did you think?

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be? Million, I'm afraid of heights.

26. Do you like someone? Many people. As a particular someone? Yes, my boyfriend, which is lucky considering that he and I live together ;)

27. The last song you listened to? One by Glukoza

28. What time of day were you born? Somewhere around 11pm on Friday may I add.

29. What's your favorite number? 7, also 17 as it is a lucky one for me.

30. Where did you live in 1987? I was 5, so a safe answer would be with my parents :) in Surgut, that's in Siberia in Russia.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? Healthy people.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? I wish not but I know for sure some are.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Just started university, one of the first days after classes, all of us saw the terrible news on one of the TVs in the hall of the uni.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Give them some more - pathetic, I know.

35. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes I do.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Never wanted one, so can't tell.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Dutch would be nice, as I live in the Netherlands, also French and German, they are just convenient to know for work.

38. Would you move for the person you loved? I did, although I rather stayed than moved, and he did as well, so it was a compromise, but yes I would.

39. Are you touchy-feely? Only with my boyfriend for the rest quite opposite. Shocks me every time when a stranger touches my arm or my back.

40. What's your life motto? Live. And I mean live and not exist, live as being happy, learning, enjoying, feeling, experiencing, finding one self. For the rest: "everything is possible if you really want something", "be true to yourself" and "find what you want, otherwise you're forced to like what you don't want".

41. Name three things you have on you at all times: At all times is not possible, but most of the times on me - clothes, my rings and earrings, with me - insulin, meter and phone.

42. What's your favorite town/city? I love Moscow, Paris, Prague and of course The Hague, as I live here.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? My lunch at work.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Oh my, years and years ago, back in high school I think to my best friend who moved to England for studying.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? Oil, no, putting petrol in is as far as I go.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? He's at work, very busy, going to be home around 7. I never loved before my current boyfriend appeared in the picture, as for the crushes, back at high school, the only thing I know is that he turned into a very nasty person over the years.

47. How far back do you know your ancestry? Not far, not further than great-great-grandmothers.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? Probably last New Year's. It's a family tradition always to dress fancy for the new years. A skirt with roses pattern and a black top, I also had a matching jacket for the skirt but it was too warm. But than again I dress quite fancy for work on a daily basis, same skirts and dresses.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? One of my feet, I have been sitting on it for the last hour.

50. Have you ever been burned by love? Who hasn't?

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? I'm not gonna tell :)

52. Where would you like to live? Same place as I live now, but I'd love my family to live a bit closer.

One steaming cup of brain tea?

Have you ever got a feeling of a desperate need of being someone else for a while? To be a complete different person, with a totally different appearance and different perception of life? I have a sort of crazy feeling like this at the moment. I have this awful itching craving to get out of my own skin; my body has not been kind to me lately and I just so want to feel what it's like to be inside a healthy one. You know what they say: "healthy spirit in a healthy body". I think it's starting to get too much on my spirits. Or may be it's the other way around, my mind got polluted and it's effecting my body?

Either way I feel like I'm going crazy and don't recognize myself anymore. May be that's where the need to get out is coming from. The constant wish to run. I feel rather like screaming or hiding, or both at the same time. I don't know what's going on but one thing is definite - I don't like it. Am I having some kind of middle life crisis? Is it what a menopause feels like? Are these the symptoms of a splitting personality? Ok, first two are a bit a stretch considering I'm only 24 but the last one might be an option.

I'm pulled and pushed in so many directions, but none of them does even come close to matching the point on the life map that reads "Me". I am having a middle life crisis, but than again with having diabetes may be 24 is the middle of life - sorry, dark humor, I'm not in the sunniest of moods.

Sorry, I didn't mean to burst out like this, especially when I'm not sure what I'm bursting out about. Am I angry? am I tired? am I fed up? but than with what? I'm too exhausted to figure it out. That's the thing - I don't want to think anymore about anything, as thoughts are driving me crazy, they're making my brains boil.

Home sweet home!

We have officially moved! As a virgin owner of a home I have to say it's overwhelming and one of the best feelings. For the last week (has it been a week already?) I have been reluctant to move further than couple of meters from the apartment, I have a separation anxiety and still enjoying and absorbing every little detail about it. Home sweet home.

Of course it's still in progress and I have strong suspicions it will remain this way for the rest of the year. We're still waiting for some furniture to arrive, which is the reason why I'm cramped on the floor right now with a laptop and can't feel one of my feet. There are still empty spaces, boxes yet to be unpacked, missing lights and stuff like laundry baskets or our names on the door, but despite all that, it's amazing and I'm so so happy we finally moved!

In the other exciting news - I finally convinced my doctors or there was a full moon last week or something in the water, whatever is the reason I'm now officially cleared for starting on the pump. Oh my, did that take energy to arrange! So the historical date - June 11, which is probably going to be marked in my calendar from now on as a significant day of achievement by my stubbornness. So it's really going to happen now. I already ordered all the supplies, my diabetic nurse insists I use silhuete sets and not the quick sets, which I would prefer, but at this point I don't care, just plug me in, please!