Friday, January 5, 2007

very hard post to write and share

Of course there is always tomorrow but life is short, so do your best today - is my motto in life, but it's very difficult for me to stick to it at the moment.

I've been crying a lot lately. And by lately I don't mean a couple of days, more like a couple of months it seems, or even longer. It's a non-stop. Tears appear for no reason and for every reason they can find. At any time of the day, when going to bed, driving to work, putting on make-up in the morning. Crying because I'm hurt, crying because I'm sad, crying because I think I'm alone in terms of no one can really understand what I'm going through, especially the loved ones whom I need the most, and them not getting me makes me cry even more. I want to crawl somewhere far away from everyone and everything and just cry my heart out, just cry and cry until I can't cry no more. Crying because I miss my family. Crying because I miss my culture and country. Crying for not being in the place I want to be. Crying for not doing what I want to do. Crying for not being appreciated. Crying because I'm tired ... tired ... that seems to be the only thought stubbornly reappearing in my mind like an annoying mosquito, buzzing invisibly at my ear. Why am I tired? What am I tired of? Well, here we go again ... of not being appreciated, of the alone feeling even though I'm surrounded by people, of not being able to apply myself in terms of not having a job, which I can jump in head first with all my enthusiasm and grow and develop myself in, tired of constant diabetes struggle (duh, big surprise, nothing new there, it's just usually I'm in better shape and mood to stick to the job, yet another one I didn't ask for or wanted to have). Tired of being strong. But I can't allow myself just to sit and howl, I will only sink deeper and lose it completely. But I also can't do it without help, I so desperately need a strong hand to pull me out, but I don't know how to ask. Asking isn't in my nature, I'm used to do everything myself and work really hard for everything I want to achieve. But my battery is empty and the charger is laying far away to reach.

9 comments:

mel said...

Sasha, I really hope for that strong arm to find you. I wish I had something better to say than that.

Adjoa said...

Sasha,

Sorry you are going through such a rough time you have already taken the first steps by writing about it.

((((hugs)))) you are in my prayer.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Sasha,

Thinking of you. Sometimes we need that big emotional release. It can be Ok to sit and howl for a bit.

But then we need to pull the boots back on and get on with things.

If you still feel this way after some time, you may consider getting some help with things. Diabetes can be so damn isolating. Finding a good therapist that knows something about diabetes can be hard, but so worthwhile.

justme said...

So sorry that you are feeling low. i hope you feel better real soon. Sending you good thoughts and hugs.

Sasha said...

Thank you all so so much for your support, I appreciate it a lot! And the hugs, even the virtual ones, warmed me up. I feel better already just by reading your comments.

My boyfriend is helping me as much as he can and our new baby-kitten is giving me lots of positive energy and takes my thoughts of things. I'm trying to find a new job that wouldn't put me in the deepest of depressions. So hopefuly things will be better very soon.

Kerri. said...

Thinking of you ... please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Sasha said...

Thank you Kerri!
I really like your blog, read it every day, so please keep on writing.

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