Taking a lead from Mel and Penny I'd like to use what's left of the de-lurking week (whoever invented that one) and ask you to leave a comment, if you don't normally do, by simply saying hello, and, if not too much trouble, who you are and if you have a blog. I'd just really like to know who else steps by my blog, be it by interest or by accident, in addition to those who generously and kindly comment on my posts.
Another year has passed. 2006 is gone, the lovely and live-changing 2006. I gonna miss you. I learned to like you. You were so different and kind and you brought lots of changes to my life, good ones and extremely wonderful ones. Thank you for being such a great year.
Usually on the first days of the year I get this surreal feeling of being in a new unfamiliar place where I've never been before and where I don't know what to expect. It's just an unnoticeable change of a number in the calendar, the matter of just a second when the clock's hand moves just a tiny millimeter and it's a new year. Nothing changes, people are the same, things around are the same but I get this feeling of change, of something very new and unfamiliar in the air. Something very young and still clean with so many opportunities. Excited, with new energy and new ideas and hopes and new determination, eager to get to know the new year, find out what he has under its sleeve - that's the usual feeling on 1st of January.
Usually ... but not this year. Where's that new year energy? Where's that new beginning enthusiasm? Where's the new excitement to test the limits and find new challenges? I feel like an 99 year-old, tired, ignorant and a bit slow. (If any 99 year-olds reading, please don't take offense in the above and congratulations on living for so long). I feel like still dragging in 2006, trying to catch up with a leaving train. The train, that be "2007 Express", somehow managed to depart with my luggage of 2007 resolutions on but leaving me at the station "2006".
Lost luggage: 2007 New Year resolutions - 9 items, total weight = too heavy to lift for an average person:
It's raining cats and dogs outside, plus it's very fogy (I think there's a nature contradiction somewhere in that happening simultaneously). I was looking forward to leaving work earlier today but not so sure anymore. Although if I think about the cat (real one), a kitten really, all alone at home I reconsider the decision of hiding out in the office from the nasty weather.
I just wanted to share some of the pictures from our amazing trip to Moscow.
It was so wonderful for me to be home with my family again and be able to spend both Christmas and New Year in such a colorful, warm and full of flavours and so culturally rich country I simply adore. My apologies for such an over-patriotic enthusiasm but it's simply beautiful! Don't you think?
Of course there is always tomorrow but life is short, so do your best today - is my motto in life, but it's very difficult for me to stick to it at the moment.
I've been crying a lot lately. And by lately I don't mean a couple of days, more like a couple of months it seems, or even longer. It's a non-stop. Tears appear for no reason and for every reason they can find. At any time of the day, when going to bed, driving to work, putting on make-up in the morning. Crying because I'm hurt, crying because I'm sad, crying because I think I'm alone in terms of no one can really understand what I'm going through, especially the loved ones whom I need the most, and them not getting me makes me cry even more. I want to crawl somewhere far away from everyone and everything and just cry my heart out, just cry and cry until I can't cry no more. Crying because I miss my family. Crying because I miss my culture and country. Crying for not being in the place I want to be. Crying for not doing what I want to do. Crying for not being appreciated. Crying because I'm tired ... tired ... that seems to be the only thought stubbornly reappearing in my mind like an annoying mosquito, buzzing invisibly at my ear. Why am I tired? What am I tired of? Well, here we go again ... of not being appreciated, of the alone feeling even though I'm surrounded by people, of not being able to apply myself in terms of not having a job, which I can jump in head first with all my enthusiasm and grow and develop myself in, tired of constant diabetes struggle (duh, big surprise, nothing new there, it's just usually I'm in better shape and mood to stick to the job, yet another one I didn't ask for or wanted to have). Tired of being strong. But I can't allow myself just to sit and howl, I will only sink deeper and lose it completely. But I also can't do it without help, I so desperately need a strong hand to pull me out, but I don't know how to ask. Asking isn't in my nature, I'm used to do everything myself and work really hard for everything I want to achieve. But my battery is empty and the charger is laying far away to reach.
I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. a stranger is looking back at me with unfamiliar eyes. 'where are you?' - a question to myself, who is for some unknown reason is not there. a substitute is staring ignorantly back in silence. useless. i'm not going to find myself in the mirror. even a reflection of me. lost. yet once again. well you can run but you can't hide, well actually you can hide but you can't run, but you can't hide forever. i'll find you anyway, you are me after all.
I would like to wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year!
Let the New Year bring you new luck and happiness, new strengths and determination, new lovely discoveries and adventures, many many smiles and sunny days!
Let the New Year be enjoyable! Let all the planned to come through and all the wished to come true!
