I smell smoke

Oh my! I was trying to get on blogger for a week, the posting thing didn't work. There's been quite a lot happening lately, where do I even start?

I have been having so far-out-of-the-normal blood glucose results lately, mostly highs, so high that I need binoculars to see them, and by lately I mean 3 months easy, I can't remember anymore what it's like to be in a normal range and don't feel like total crap all of the time. I've been so exhausted physically and mentally that taking a shower in the morning pretty much exceeds all my energy for the whole day. All is the result of a little bugging phenomena that tends to accumulate and grow in a huge snow ball called stress, none of the doctors I've seen can find any other reason for me feeling like I died yesterday but was not sent the memo. They are all bombarding me with "you have to relax", "take it easy", "rest", "think less" and so on - I'd gladly follow all the advice if only it was that easy.

Well, for the start I'm taking time from work and just trying to rest. A week at home is already helping - almost no headaches and bg slowly climbing down. Apparently, as a diabetic psychiatrist has told me (yes, I'm even seeing one of those now), I'm rushing to live (well can you blame me for that?) and rushing through life to fast for my diabetes to catch up. When I told my endo that I feel like my diabetes is screaming at me to slow down and give some attention to myself, his reaction was "well, someone should". So I'm taking rest, I'm paying attention to myself, I've hit the breaks and now have to learn to relax and think less, huh! good luck with that. When I told my boyfriend the doctor officially announced I'm having a burn-out, he laughed, well I'm still laughing myself, through tears. I'm only 24 for God's sake!

P.S. - my new endo is absolutely great!

Right to the last word ...

I got the idea from Allison. It's truly scary how picking one out of nine images can give such an accurate description of you.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are wise, insightful, and brilliant. Your wit is sharp and occasionally hurtful... Revealing your scorn for people with less intelligence. Underneath it all, you feel burdened by the stupidity of humanity. You know what's right in the world, but it's overshadowed by everything that's wrong. People see you as arrogant. While this is partially true, you are also very sensitive.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Could be worse

I was in the range of 13 the whole day yesterday. My b.g. was just in love with that number and refused to move from it more than a point either way. But, of course, just before falling asleep I felt a bit funny, a very little tiny bit (I learned to listen to my body extra carefully over the last month with all the outrageous jumps and falls). I tested just an hour before bed 10.5 – a more than definite secure number before bed to avoid a low at night. It couldn’t have gone too much up but ok, just to calm myself down, a quick test.

Lights on. Sit up. Take the test kit. The cat is awake and checking if I’m testing correctly. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, beep – huh? 3.4 – how did that happen? And a low?

- “How much is it?”
- “3.4”
- “?”
- “But I’ve already brushed my teeth! Grrr …”
- “So what’s now? You have to eat something?”
- “But I don’t want to eat. (another grump)”
- “But you have to. Take some glucose tablets; they are in the bedside table’s draw.”
- “They make me nauseous … I can have juice”

With a big sigh got out of bed, cat following. A trip to the kitchen. Starting to feel the low. Glass. Fridge. Cranberry juice (tastes awful in a combination with “Aquafresh” aftertaste still in my mouth). Sigh. Kitchen lights off. Back to the bedroom, cat running after me (he checks every step I take).

Back in bed I’m greeted by a big hug and a deep sigh (not mine this time).

- “It’s not fair! Now I feel sick and blown up and my heart is racing.”
- “I know. It could be worse.”
- “It could be better.”
- “I know (sigh).”
- “It’s going to be high in the morning.”
- (hug tightened)

Well, it could have been worse. I could have fallen asleep without realizing something was wrong, and then wake up (hopefully) with a much lower number. I’m such a complainer when I’m low.

Seven is actually my favourite number

I am out at the moment of things to write or news to report, so here it goes, a meme, a first one for me.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Be happy (in the middle of that project :) )
2. Write and publish a book (if I ever settle on a subject; there are bits and pieces laying all over the house)
3. Read at least another 1,000 books (I have a huge wish list but what I should actually wish for is time to read them all)
4. Get a dream job (Oh, boy, isn't that a big one)
5. Have a child (or two, depends ... )
6. Travel to Singapore, New Zealand, Japan ... the list goes on and on ...
7. Achieve something in life so I can die peacefully knowing I didn't waste it

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Be one of many in the crowd
2. Live in utopia
3. Pretend
4. Sit still
5. Do nothing
6. Sing
7. Don't care

Seven Things That Attract Me To People In General:
1. Confidence
2. Honesty
3. Good sense of humor
4. Intelligence
5. Loyalty
6. Strengths (mental)
7. Determination

Seven Things I Say:
1. "Honey ... "
2. "Exactly"
3. "I love you"
4. "How many carbs is in that?"
5. "Actually"
6. "I need insulin"
7. "I'm tired" - sadly it's been one of the most used phrases lately

Seven Books That I Love (seriously? just seven?):
1. Almost every book by Haruki Murakami (he's simply a genius; if you can read between the lines, you'll discover 10 books in one at lest)
2. "Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov (every book of his is a masterpiece, but this one I love the most)
3. All by Capote
4. "Love Story" by Segal (makes me laugh and cry every time)
5. "Three Comrades" by Remarque (also "Arch of Triumph" and "Heaven Has No Favourites")
6. "The Forsyte Saga" by Galsworthy
7. "Fingersmith" by Sarah Waters

Seven Movies That I Love (again, seriously? just seven?):
1. "Frida" (she's on my list of most fascinating people dead or alive and the movie is made so nicely)
2. "You Got Mail" (a very feel-good movie)
3. "Love Actually" (one of my most favourite pick-me-up movies)
4. "Holiday" (another Christmassy-feel-good movie)
5. "Bobby" (a really good movie touching many topics of human nature - I like movies that make me think for days)
6. "Babel" (another good movie about human nature and to what an extreme loneliness can push a person)
7. All Harry Potter movies (a child in me)

Seven People To Tag (in no particular order):
Anyone who wants to make "sevens" of things :)

I think I’ve got it. Despite a low at night it's been 7.3 and 7.4 and 5.9 and so on yesterday. But now as it always happens after a long period in the no-clue-land-of-extreme-blood-glucose-numbers, when I’m finally back to the sunny side of one digit numbers, I’m so scared to do something wrong, even a tiny little thing that will send me back into the gloomy scary place. And I think being worried doesn’t actually help the situation, as it has been proven soooo many times that me worrying results in such a bg jump, which Pluschenko can only dream about. So breathe in, breathe out, relax and let it flow, I guess.

A For Instance – Yesterday

17.5 – woke up, 6:30 (Dear God! %#^&!!! ... frantically grab the insulin pen, feeling absolutely AWFUL, killing headache and pain all over, vision is so blurry can hardly make out the numbers on the meter, head is anvil heavy and spinning so much I feel like I'm on a Merry-Go-Round, feel poisoned)

11.5 – after correction (far from perfect but getting there)

7 – before breakfast (feeling woozy as bg dropped more than 10 points in just a couple of hours)

5.7 – 2 hours after eating (obviously the correction is still working)

5.3 – before lunch (I really need food – starving!)

4.3 – 2 hours after lunch (did I eat? Snack!)

9 – before dinner

12.7 – 1 hour after dinner (hmmm, suppose to be right, right? as it was just 1 hour)

5.7 – 3 am (just checking)

11.6 – woke up, 6:30 (ok, that’s already better but what the hell???)

Update

Despite the promises of regular postings I've disappeared yet again for all the valid reasons of course but that's not an excuse. So time for an update, even if it is rather modest and bulleted.

• I've traded Humalog for NovoRapid, as Humalog hurt a lot when injected. NovoRapid doesn't hurt and I LOVE the pen it comes with!!!! Though still haven't figured out if it has the same effect on my bg.
  
• I changed the endo! Yey!!!! for me! As my previous one was a walking anecdote and was only good for writing prescriptions, oh wait, not even for that! every time he wrote a prescription for me the whole drugstore team had to put their heads together to figure out what did he mean by that. I think they put them on a special bulletin board with the title of "The Most Cryptic Prescriptions By The Doctors Who Don't Know A *** " But that's in the past now and I'm looking forward to see my new endo in April, I heard he's great and with a good sense of humor! I'll tell you all about him. Oh by the way, that was the first time I complained in the hospital, but hey if it got me a new doc, why not, may be I should do it more often.
  
• And actually I did. To my diabetic nurse, who is an angel and a lifesaver when it comes to saving lives. I complained about the horrible Lantus pen, which always leaves me confused and scared whether I got the right dose or not. So she gave me TWO new Opticlicks that work so much better, no fuss with inserting the cartridges at all!!! I'm probably the least updated diabetic there is, right? hence the absence of the pump still. Coming to that now ...
  
• Pump. I was thinking and planning and making pro - con lists for a while - it's a big decision even if everyone and everything is screaming of it's obvious advantages, it's still quite a change in the daily diabetes regime. So I was finally ready to go ahead with it when my beloved bg's got so out of hand, and here comes a scary part - almost a month ago!!!!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I've been struggling with the most terrifying bg's (up till 20!!!) for almost a month now and let me tell you this - I'm scared. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot!!!!! I have no clue why they are acting so crazy. I've tried everything! and then some more. Yes, I did have some outrageous amounts of stress and not so good news lately, but that seems to come in order now and I can even sleep at nights again, but hey, not so quick, the 14s and 17s keep me awake with a terrible headache and restlessness and make me run to the toilet quite a lot. I seriously don't know what to do anymore and neither does my diabetic team. Any advice? Please!
  

For the rest, whoooh ... too much negativity on my poor head and way too much life’s unfairness but I’m not going to bother you with it, I can just say it seems to go better now and hopefully very soon it will be all solved out and I’ll be able to tell you good news.